Lets be honest. Condoms. They serve a great purpose. Especially in stopping the I didnt use one and now I itch like a dog with a flea infestation department. But then, humping a carpet can leave you with the same problem. Apparently. Lets not dwell on that part too much though. It was during what I prefer to call the Experimental days. You know teenage boy, rampant hormones, lights offabuse the floor. Umm lets move on.
Anyway. A strap on condom. Marketed in the You are so drunk, this is the perfect thing to stop the passion killer that is trying to get a condom on when completely trashed. So instead you strap it on.
But just say you forget to mention this to the woman you just picked up in the bar.
You get her home, you try not to vomit as the room spins and then you try your best moves.
Oh yeah baby, mmm, lets kiss more...OK, lets move to the bed. Uh-huh yeah OK, lets get undressed. Right. I am just going to get my strap-on.
And that ISNT a passion killer? What woman is still going to be around as you reach under the bed with your bony white ass bobbing up and down in the air, moving varying amounts of crunchy socks out of the way and reach for the old strap-on.
And lets not forget to mention that if you are so drunk that putting a normal condom on is an impossibility, there is also the chance that you would have more luck of raising a zombie army than the little general. You would be left looking like a sad elephant with a nose-bag on. And dont even go there with the So drunk I am seeing double thing. Its not an udder you know.
Of course the idea of strapping your rubber on is to save you valuable seconds between her passing out and you throwing up so it is easier than using a regular condom. Because obviously strapping something on is far easier.
Is it? IS IT!!! So you are drunk and in the throes of passion you stop..you try to put a belt on and lock it up at the back. Yeah I know women can put a bra on with their arms uncomfortably half way up their backbut they do it every day.
If you are a dude strapping a condom on everyday, then congratulations. But I just dont think it is going to happen.
For instance. What if you are married (or the anti-viagra as it is also known)? You arent getting it daily. What if you are single? Nopenot daily. As ugly as a garden post that a dog just peed up against? Nope, you arent either.
So are they expecting you to practice putting this thing on everyday?
And lets not even forget the whole I am so drunk I cant even get the key in the keyhole when you get home. What chance is there of getting the little guy to move in to your rubber lovehome? None. Thats how much chance.
But it is better than the alternative. I firmly believe that there should be no men in the world. Because we are too dumb.
Everyone knows the whole men not asking for directions thing. But these days we have GPS. I am confident that several million male sperm holding their mobile phones up trying to get a satellite lock on the way to meet a friend at El Egg (Just around the corner from Fallopian Way) just wont work.
For starters they are indoors. So you cant get a satellite lock.
Secondly, I am on the dumbest mobile network known to man. I can get a signal if I hold my phone in the air and do a rain dance, but that stops me from putting my phone to my ear. And it rains. So I get wet. So even the positioning lock from the network wont work because the signal is weaker than an alcoholic in a free bar.
So how do they get there? Hell, I dont even listen to my GPS and I refuse to ask for directions because I am too sexy.
When my girl says Why dont you go left. You know where the arrow points to the place we want to go. Ahh..this is a shortcut love. AND DONT TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE!.
About 3 hours later we are 3/4 of a mile away from the original place she said it after going around in circles more times than a dog with no tail.
But back to the sperm. Its just not feasible that we start off with such vigor and determination and then get dumber the second we actually get to the egg.
20 years later we refuse to listen to anything you say know the worlds roads like the back of our hand.
So remember ladies. The next time a guy says Just gotta strap this on, let him. You may actually be doing mankind a favor.