The Best Way to Get a Blow Job

I would like to tap into the vast knowledge and experience of my fellow ebaumers.  What is the best way to go about getting oral sex from your significant other?  I've been experimenting with various methods and approaches for years, only to find that some techniques work better than others.  Here are some of my findings:

The Wake Her Up With a Cock Moustache Technique:
This technique entails pulling out your cock and rubbing it on her upper lip until she wakes up.  This is not recommended for unfamiliar relationships, or females without a sense of humor.  The blow job success rate of this technique is low to moderate, although your chances will increase directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed by her prior.

The Wake Her Up By Going Down on Her Technique:
This technique is pretty self-explanatory.  It is important to note though, that the success or failure of this technique will be determined within the first ten seconds of launch, which is basically how long it will take her to figure out what's going on.  This is one of those all-or-nothing approaches.  If she's receptive off the bat, buckle down because she's guaranteed to reciprocate.  If she's not, and rejects your advances, you might as well get out of bed and go for a long jog because you ain't getting shit.

The Buy Her Something Really Nice Technique:
This technique requires an undesirable amount of your money to be spent on a ridiculous gift that she will love.  If the words "OMG I LOVE IT" are uttered while eyes well up with tears, an incredible blow job is imminent.

The Take Her Out and Romance Her Technique:
This technique also requires an undesirable amount of your money to be spent, in addition to investing a certain amount of time doing things that you don't really want to be doing (i.e. buying flowers, going to a fine dining establishment, sitting through a show / ballet that you have no interest in seeing, going out dancing, etc.).  Although this technique requires investment of time and money, if done properly, you will have blown your load at least once prior to reaching your final destination.

The Do All the Work for Her Technique:
 Although this technique is unbelievably successful, it should be used sparingly, as it can lead to undesirable expectations.  This technique involves taking on and completing as many tasks, chores, or responsibilities that would normally fall on her.  For some strange reason, doing the cooking, cleaning, washing, and such, is a very power aphrodisiac for women.  Be forewarned, although you may have your bones jumped in the midst of completing these tasks, you must maintain this as a once-in-blue-moon approach.  Otherwise, you will end up doing her work for her on the regular with little-to-no chance of blow job occurring.

The Sit Through an Unbearably Awful Chick Movie Technique:
All this technique requires is patience.  If you can totally zone out on the couch while letting her get lost in the bullshit on the TV screen, you're golden.  Some attention must be paid to when the movie ends.  If you see her wiping her eyes, grab a tissue and tenderly wipe away her tears, then kiss her gently on the forehead.  Before you know it, COCK = BLOWN.

Although there are many more techniques to review, that's all for now friends.  Please feel free to share your experiences and approaches to getting head as well.  Input from the female ebaumers is more than welcome and appreciated.

Have a good day bishes,


Uploaded 07/06/2011
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