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A few years ago I acquired a gold toe. Not the entire toe, just the nail part on my big toe, on the left foot. It never bothered me, didn't spread to all the other little piggies and it was fun to use to freak out my wife and kids.

On my right foot, the large toe nail is clenching the meat of my toe.  A  kind of  circling the wagons formation with a space for supplies and fresh troops. Neither toe causes me any pain, but my socks don't last long. Sometimes, after long periods of kneeling, the pressure from my toe nails inside my work shoes gets annoying.

August 2nd comes but once a year, so it was time to manicure my toe nails. I retrieved my Big Jim nail cutters from inside the ceremonial Tabernacle. I placed my left foot holy sacrifice upon the alter of American Standard. THE HORROR!!!  My golden toe nail appeared detached from the sides of my toe but hinged at the cuticle. What evil curse had befallen me?

In  haste, I tried to rip the offensive apparition  from my body temple, but it held fast and agony beheld  my foot. "Smooth move Ex lax" filled my pain riddled mind. Two hours later the swearing stopped, my wife turned down the volume on the television and the kids stopped asking. "What's wrong with Daddy"?

Concern turned to this unholy manifestation catching on a thread within a freshly laundered sock and once again releasing the demons of pain. I meditated to consolidate my being and envisioned myself wrapping a string around it. Not just to hold it in place, but to remind me to go get some fungicide for my toe.

Toe-Nail-Fungus-300x225.jpgingrown_toenail.jpg

My wife offered me a piece of aged Provolone cheese as I wrote this. Not really palatable at this time, but thanks!
Letemdangle Uploaded 08/02/2011
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