The Miracle of Birth.
lard_infamous
Published
08/08/2011
So I was laying back on the couch rubbing my stomach singing the big mac song to our unborn baby while tyaeda was cleaning herself off from her last trip inside me. Suddenly, the living room floor flooded with something that smelled like a mix of gravy and slurpy syrup. I turned to my little chicken wing, "Oh fuck, I think I shat myself again." She stared at me saucer-eyed "LOVE MUFFIN, YOUR WATER JUST BROKE! WE GOTTA GET TO THE HOSPITAL NOW!!" With that, she jumped on her forklift, scooped up my ass, and we were on our way.
As we get through the front door (if any St.Joseph staff is reading this, I swear I'll pay for the damages) the nurses start whispering. "Oh my god, it's him." "He's a real person? I thought he was just an urban myth everyone was passing around." As we roll up to check ourselves in, some jerkoff was standing there wasting time. "Hi, I'm here for my penis enlargement surgery. The name is under spanki1889." "Get the fuck outta my way!" I shouted as I palmed his head and threw him over my shoulder. He landed in the flower display at the gift shop. "My boyfriend is in labor! We need a room!" shouted my panicked petite counterpart "Just fill out these forms and wait over there." replied the nurse. This pissed me off, cause nobody brushes off the alpha male or his queen! I gave the nurse a stern look "Just let us go next, and you'll never have to smell this again." With all my might, I lifted my left ass cheek, and let one rip. After a few seconds, she started puking and waved us by. As Tyaeda drove me down the hallway, I turned back, to see the nurse spray febreze all around her while holding a cross close to her heart. As we entered the delivery room, I felt these sharp pains in my ass. As our doctor came in, I grabbed him, and yelled "My ass is killing me, what the hell is going on??" "Calm down Mr.Infamous, those are just contractions, they're completely normal....well, for a man giving birth I guess."
After hours of contractions and my little chicken wing holding my hand, the doctor finally told me I was fully dilated. "Okay now, push!" shouted the doctor. I pushed harder than the time I shat out a statue (true story, might blog about it some time) after two hours of pushing, I was exhausted. I was ready to give up, when Ty waved an opened a can of pringles under my nose "Cummon baby one more push!" Suddenly I felt a surge of energy and pushed with all my might. Our baby shot out of my ass like a champagne cork and landed on 3 nurses. The baby was fine, but the nurses suffered a couple of hairline fractures. "Congratulations", said the doctor, "It's a boy! Ninety five pounds, 13 ounces." As I held my new born baby boy in my arms, I felt a joy I haven't known since they brought back the McRib. After I finished breast feeding him for the first time, he looked up at me and said "Da--*BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP*--dy" "Awww, his first word!" said Tyaeda with tears of joy.
"Well, Mr.Infamous, you must be a very proud mo......fa.......a very proud parent" said one of the nurses, "What do you plan on naming the...*ahem*.....little guy?" Tyaeda and I looked at each other. We realized we didn't even bother thinking of a name! So, I come to the people of Ebaums. What do you think we should name our child? WARNING: Any smartass comment will be met with one of my farts and/or a belly flop!
Here's our little bundle of joy
I
As we get through the front door (if any St.Joseph staff is reading this, I swear I'll pay for the damages) the nurses start whispering. "Oh my god, it's him." "He's a real person? I thought he was just an urban myth everyone was passing around." As we roll up to check ourselves in, some jerkoff was standing there wasting time. "Hi, I'm here for my penis enlargement surgery. The name is under spanki1889." "Get the fuck outta my way!" I shouted as I palmed his head and threw him over my shoulder. He landed in the flower display at the gift shop. "My boyfriend is in labor! We need a room!" shouted my panicked petite counterpart "Just fill out these forms and wait over there." replied the nurse. This pissed me off, cause nobody brushes off the alpha male or his queen! I gave the nurse a stern look "Just let us go next, and you'll never have to smell this again." With all my might, I lifted my left ass cheek, and let one rip. After a few seconds, she started puking and waved us by. As Tyaeda drove me down the hallway, I turned back, to see the nurse spray febreze all around her while holding a cross close to her heart. As we entered the delivery room, I felt these sharp pains in my ass. As our doctor came in, I grabbed him, and yelled "My ass is killing me, what the hell is going on??" "Calm down Mr.Infamous, those are just contractions, they're completely normal....well, for a man giving birth I guess."
After hours of contractions and my little chicken wing holding my hand, the doctor finally told me I was fully dilated. "Okay now, push!" shouted the doctor. I pushed harder than the time I shat out a statue (true story, might blog about it some time) after two hours of pushing, I was exhausted. I was ready to give up, when Ty waved an opened a can of pringles under my nose "Cummon baby one more push!" Suddenly I felt a surge of energy and pushed with all my might. Our baby shot out of my ass like a champagne cork and landed on 3 nurses. The baby was fine, but the nurses suffered a couple of hairline fractures. "Congratulations", said the doctor, "It's a boy! Ninety five pounds, 13 ounces." As I held my new born baby boy in my arms, I felt a joy I haven't known since they brought back the McRib. After I finished breast feeding him for the first time, he looked up at me and said "Da--*BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP*--dy" "Awww, his first word!" said Tyaeda with tears of joy.
"Well, Mr.Infamous, you must be a very proud mo......fa.......a very proud parent" said one of the nurses, "What do you plan on naming the...*ahem*.....little guy?" Tyaeda and I looked at each other. We realized we didn't even bother thinking of a name! So, I come to the people of Ebaums. What do you think we should name our child? WARNING: Any smartass comment will be met with one of my farts and/or a belly flop!
Here's our little bundle of joy
I
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