she left my flat for the last time. she wanted a "break". three weeks later she will tell me it's not working, i will not be surprised. two days ago we had our one year anniversary, we spent the day together. it was awkward and we tried not to fight, the history of our relationship played out in the space of a day. in my mind it is the day we met, she looks so beautiful and slim. much younger than me, made me feel young again. the world was ours for the taking and we knew the future would be perfect. it was for a time. life did seem perfect, it was, she was. but...
she was a breath of fresh air into the cave of decay and self loathing which was my existence. as the seconds go by since she left, the darkness of my cave falls around me again, smothering but offering me the comfort of familiarity.
my thoughts evaporate into darker times, into excuses and reasons why.. of months ago when that perfect life was effected by trouble in paradise. my young son died. i blamed my ex, she was a drunk and and a druggie, it was a mistake. no, he wasn't a mistake, she was. he died quickly and painlessly in his sleep, a one in a million illness they said. i still blame her, the evil that she breathed and the corruption of her thoughts bent and twisted the air around her. he was a victim of her bad karma, the darkened spirits so eager to get her, did not care who they took... i cried at his funeral, her new boyfriend laughed at me as i knelt crying over his open coffin. that familiar electric of anger shooting from my spine and resting in my stomach then falling into a pit of grief.
it was too much, the troubles of my life had been hard enough but this was just too much. i thought not caring was a conscious thing but i realised not caring was an existence. i quit my job and disappeared into depression and into debt. i got fat and i got angry. nights upon nights I laid there getting angry, wanting revenge, wanting justice. my girlfriend begged me to let it go, that the obsession destroying me, destroying us, but each time i tried the anger told me i was letting them win. they never let me see him, they sneared when i tried "your not paying enough, we got other plans" getting fat off my child support cheques probably... so here i am a monster. my girlfriend who walks out the door is scared of what i have become. the promise of happiness eaten by my rage. the promise of our life swallowed by my obsession. i couldn't let him go, i couldn't let the anger go, i couldn't let all those mistakes and all those insults go, so in the end, i have to watch her go.