The news just keeps getting worse.

In addition to facing imminent destruction in the fiery hell of a carbon dioxide infested earth, it now appears that simply observing certain dark matters cluttering up our perfect universe with quantum inprecision will actually hasten the end of said universe by several seconds or so.

On top of that awful news, my meticulous research has exposed another critical imbalance which threatens our very existence.

Orgasm Imbalance

I have found through careful study that there is a balance in all things...yin and yang...good and evil...etc. When such an imbalance occurs, there are potentially catastrophic consequences to contend with if the imbalance is not compensated for.

Using direct observation and a very hands-on approach to the subject matter has led me to the conclusion that certain individuals hoard much more than their allotted share of orgasms, thereby creating an imbalance which threatens our very existence.

I am very happy to say that I am not simply the bearer of bad news...a gloom and doom harbinger of the end of times. No, because I have already formulated a solution which will save the entire universe as well as the porn industry.

Cum Offsets

My new company, Cumbalance, will not only rescue the planet but is also a very attractive addition to any investment portfolio. Those who exceed their allotted share of orgasms will simply purchase cum credits, and in doing their part will feel much better about their sexual gluttony. The offsets will be used to pay some third-world denizen not to have orgasms. It is an elegant (and potentially highly profitable) solution to this urgent problem which faces the human race.

No more feeling guilty about multiple-orgasms or enjoying those used and tattered Barely Legal magazines. No more apprehension about spilling it in the shower or sneaking a quickie at the movie theater. Simply purchase cum offsets for every excess orgasm (over four per week), and Ahmed in Bangladesh will decrease his orgasmic activity by the same amount.

So whether your pleasure is a girl or a goat...a hand or a stiff breeze, I will ensure that you can feel good about yourself, safe in the knowledge that you've done your part to save the earth from certain destruction.

Now where did I put that astroglide?