Forgotten Film Synopses Requests - Dark Angel: The Ascent
Since I began FFS, I've been flattered not only by the methods peeps use to emulate my work, but taken aback by the multitude of compliments and thanks I've received in recent days. I'm happy for your support, guys!
Yet in conjunction with all that, I've also began receiving requests for films to view, as fans would enjoy one of my synopses on their personal favorites from childhood. I intend not to disappoint!
So in this new "Requests" edition of FFS, I'm pleased to take the time to feature a pick from TheNaxx, entitled Dark Angel: The Ascent(Full Moon). Here's to you, dude : D
(NOTE: In receiving the first pm regarding this request, I mistakenly went to work on another film of the same name. Turns out there are three with this title, along with one or two TV shows. As agreed upon with the user, I will go ahead and post the work I've already done on this shitty movie, before starting on the real one he had in mind. Thanks.)
(R) - Horror/Romance ("coming to video cassette" lol)
Not so loved by my standards, this film is neither amusing, nor cute, even in its own way. DA seems a typical, quirky romance with a devilish edge, featuring hellish scenes and evil makeup/costuming effects that strike as more comedic than brooding, playing completely off a Dante's levels of Hell take on the afterlife for sinners and offenders, with all the typical Biblical cliches.
Upon joking with Naxx, he prolly put it best:
TheNaxx: its nasty, like straight to vhs, dumb lines, poor acting, storyline doesnt make any sense, long fucking etc.
Non-alts are given permission to rate it as everyone already should be doing, by content quality on the subject at hand - and since this film plain sucks, about one or two stars should suffice.
Veronica Iscariot (Angela Featherstone) is the daughter of one of the devils in Hell, which is shown as a dank, fiery dungeon complete with all the tortured souls ... or bodies, I should say, as any other way and they wouldn't be able to suffer all the usual torments one is supposed to endure below: stabbings, whippings, cages, brandings, beatings, nudity... um, does anyone else's nether regions tickle? I'll have to break here for a moment.
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Okay, back. Let's go on.
So Veronica is talking with her horned buddy Mary (really?), complaining that she's tired of existing only to help her father with the family business of torturing damned souls. Mary tells her devils aren't ever allowed to leave their pit of despair, but perhaps Veronica can make it happen, so long as she goes alone, against the rules, into the cold surface world despite any consequences.
Veronica returns home at the end of a taxing day of torture in a scene resembling an Underworld Leave-it-to-Beaver, with Mom cooking dinner and grumpy Dad settling down at the table to bitch and stuff his face.
Apparently, their jobs in Hell are to serve God, by taking care of the souls He's deemed unfit for the Kingdom of Heaven. The horns and the black outfits and all the usual cliches of Hellion minions being nothing more than some work uniform, exuding the proper image of the business. Jesus.
Veronica's Dad, of course, becomes enraged at his daughter's defiant behavior and talk of venturing to the surface, and he slaps her, putting Veronica into a bitch fit like a typical brat, prompting her to take the plunge and pass through the membrane into the realm of Earth on her own.
Almost immediately after rising naked and alone, Veronica is found and brought to a hospital where an under-appreciated Doctor Max Barris (Daniel Markel) is told by the nurse something's just not right. Veronica's room is freezing thanks to the heaters breaking, and she's got the biggest feet ever seen on a woman.
Naturally, the Doc's intrigued by this strange newcomer, who calls herself "Hellraiser", and is coaxed into taking her home with him upon release, thanks to her mind-melding powers of psychically communicating to him of her wishes.
At his house, Veronica spends hours at a time watching TV, where she finds, especially from bastard politician Mayor Wharton, that life on Earth is just as horrible and sinful as back at home.
She leaves the house to bump into a couple of kindly nuns, who give her a cross that burns in her hand, to their shock. Along with her faithful "beast", a German Shepherd dog that knows every place she goes, Veronica comes across a group of rapists accosting a girl on the street. Using her demonic powers, she eradicates them all, ripping the spine out of one and presenting it to the girl as a trophy.
The woman is brought to the hospital following the cordoning off of the area as a crime scene. She spouts near-unintelligibly on how these are the Last Days before Judgment, and all must repent, yada, yada...
The Doc returns home to see Veronica has decorated the house in a manner in which she's accustomed, conveniently resulting in a candlelit and romantic environment they both can enjoy dinner in. They discuss their differences on morality, religion, and the like.
Meanwhile, Detectives are arguing on the possibility of a cannibalistic psycho killer running loose in their area, and the next night brings Veronica to the streets again, this time beating several corrupt cops to death for abusing an innocent man, leaving a note in the mouth of one addressed to Mayor Wharton.
Veronica's Mom, back in Hell, prays in front of a crucifix to God, and receives guidance from an Angel, the Holy Mother, who the hell knows - in the form of a beautiful woman speaking from within a floating bubble (lol). As is expected, the woman assures Mom that Veronica is up on Earth for just reasons, and not to worry.
After visiting the Mayor, the two Detectives working the case pay a visit to the Doc's home, after finding his jacket at the murder scene. They question Veronica, who ironically comes across as guilty as sin. She's glad, however, that the two Detectives are "untainted by corruption", which in turn, prompts them to consider her a suspect and put a tail on her. Heh.
The Doc and Veronica later go out on their first official date, where he actually takes her to a pornographic screening - what a guy.
The Detectives, in turn, decide to grab some popcorn and tag along, where it isn't too hard for Veronica to make them out, seeing as how just a few random perverts shared the theater with them. Facepalm...
Then it's off to a nightclub, where Max gets met with an old friend from Med School, a super-ugly, dried-up old bitch that Veronica follows into the Ladies' Room to threaten in just a wonderfully righteous, non-Hell-worthy way. Did you know it's wrong to covet? I know who could tell me why...
Awww, too bad some cokehead in a stall with some girl decided to just pop out and stab that bitch like a boss. Not so threatening anymore, Veronica stumbles in pain, the dried-up lady leaves, and the Detective enters the area, after having followed our failed "Hellraiser" into the club as well.
Veronica shows him with demonic ways where she's from, showing scenes anyone but your Grandmother would probably laugh at, but which freaks the Detective out to the point of immediately leaving in a sweaty mess.
The Doc takes Veronica home to check out her wound, where she finally tells him who she is. The result is painfully uneventful fodder for building up to the inevitable, gratuitous bed-romping scene.
Sprouting her horns and unfurling those ugly-ass wings, NOW the Doc is as intrigued and surprised as he can be, which is necessary to state here, seeing as how his acting is as dry as the fucking Mohave desert.
He listens through that horrible spiel Veronica uses on her full name, consisting of more words than Bunifa Latifah Halifah Sharifa Jackson's.
Later, Veronica finally just visits that fuckin' Mayor and does her visual thing, showing him what awaits for him in Hell, after he suffers hallucinations where his teeth and fingernails fall out.
Veronica gets shot on her way out of his lavish home, and the heavenly woman in the magic bubble visits her parents to "ask their permission" to bring their daughter back home, where she must bathe in the river Styx to revitalize herself.
Bubble Bitch then shows up at the Doc's home, where he doesn't seem too surprised some lady is glowing in his mirror - or it may just be that horrible acting again.
Either way, she takes Veronica back to Hell, leaving the Doc with her dog, where they later watch the Mayor make an announcement that he's all sorry for his transgressions and blah, blah...
And that night, with a shitty explosion effect, Veronica appears suddenly back in the Doc's room, complete with a black wedding dress and veil, and he thanks God....
film (c) 1994 Paramount Pictures
rin Uploaded 08/26/2011