Best in Comedy Requests - George Carlin
Thanks, peeps, for your great messages and requests on another of my (hopefully) long-going blog ideas. The fledgling Best in Comedy series was a good choice for entertaining a lot of you, I see! : D
And don't worry, though this guy was top of the list for 4 or 5 of you, I never had any intention of going too long without this revered 40+ year veteran of the business making its way to Best in Comedy:
George Carlin is a gem in the crown of comedy Gods. With his ravings and masterful loquacity, his in-your-face, no bullshit insight served almost as an educational lesson in its undeniable logic, as much as it remained entertaining on a comedic level.
With all the epic album releases and HBO shows he's graced us with over many years, it would be impossible to fit all his greatest material in one blog - especially when hardly any of his work was never considered his greatest.
So I now grace you with a few of his bits most praised on the web circuit today, along with a few of his more hilarious and strangely accurate quoted statements on life and people. Although Carlin may be dead, you can rest assured many of his best insights still - and probably always will - ring true - you won't even have to leave this section to understand.
When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion.
Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people... that there's an invisible man! living in the sky! who watches everything you do, every minute of every day.
And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you.
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story... Holy Shit!
You Are All Diseased - 1999
Why is it, that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place? These conservatives are really something, aren't they? They are all in favor of the unborn, they will do anything for the unborn, but once you're born, you're on your own!
Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that they don't want to know about you, they don't want to hear from you . . . no neo-natal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing! If you're pre-born, you're fine. If you're pre-school, you're fucked!
Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach MILITARY age. Then they think you are just fine, just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers!
Pro-life... these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? They'll do anything they can to save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?
They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman -- they don't like them. They don't like women.
They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state. Pro-life, you don't see many of these anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do...
Back in Town - 1996
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is an asshole?
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
People who act like or say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Have a great eternity, George.
rin Uploaded 09/19/2011