Best in Comedy - Bill Maher
Bill Maher is a political comic/satirist with one hell of an awesome discussion panel show, Real Time With Bill Maher, you can watch every week on HBO. Once upon a time, he also had Politically Incorrect.
I absolutely adore this man for his down-to-Earth, easygoing demeanor, which is peppered with spurts of pure passion and common sense in his arguments on politicians, religion, and the American people. This guy jumps right up the list as second only to George Carlin in his rants and infallible logic on issues of organized faith, political windbags, and up-to-date occurrences in the news everywhere.
A staunch follower of both his show, and comedic stand-up specials, I don't kid when I tell you it would give me great pleasure to fuck the shit out of this man, and act the sign-toting fangirl at one of his tour shows.
Unfortunately, like with Carlin, Maher's highlights are far too many to squeeze into a single blog. So a few of his best rants and commentary are highlighted below, in conjunction with clips from his amazing documentary Religulous. Enjoy!
Now, the angels went to the house of the one Godly man in town - Lot. And the townspeople... tried to rape them.
Now, Lot, not wanting his town to get the reputation as the kind of place that would... rape angels... offered up to the mob his OWN DAUGHTERS to rape.
And he was the good guy in town. Which brings me to this question: If I ever had to swear an oath, why would I want to put my hand on the King James Bible? I think I could find more morality in the Rick James Bible.
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Do you think it's possible that when we're on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we're having a really spiritual experience that we're just high?
[In a deleted scene on the DVD] No, it is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What's ridiculous is that other people let him. It's just too easy to start a religion. All you have to do is:
A. think up some really powerful stupid shit. Some stuff that is so idiotic and weird that a person who believes it will be proving that ultimate virtue of faith;
B. throw in some entitlements like life after death, washing away sins and free dental or whatever; and,
C. wait. Just wait. Just say your bullshit and stick to it. Believe me, if you do that, if you just say it, they will come.
* * *
[In a deleted scene on the DVD] Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.
Religulous; 2008, Lionsgate Studios
And finally, New Rule, now that theyve finished reading
the Constitution out loud, the teabaggers must call out that group of
elitist liberals whose values are so antithetical to theirs.
Im talking, of course, about the Founding Fathers, who the teabaggers believe are just like them, but arent. One is a group of exclusively white men who live in a bygone century, have bad teeth, and think of blacks as 3/5s of a person. And the other are the Founding Fathers!
Now I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing. While you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them and smell like them, I think its pretty clear that the Founding Fathers wouldve hated your guts. And whats more, you wouldve hated them! They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullshit. And yet, here is a popular painting in wingnut America.
Yes, thats Jesus with the Founding Fathers behind him, presenting the Constitution to America. Either that, or its a settlement offer for that boy after he sued the rectory.
Super-religious guy Glenn Beck likes to play dress-up as Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine,
an atheist who said churches were human inventions, set up to terrify
and enslave mankind.
John Adams said, this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.* Which is not to say the Founders didnt have a moral code. Of course they did. They just didnt get it from the Bible. Well, except for the part about its cool to own slaves. Its in there, folks, I didnt make it up.
The Founders disagreed amongst themselves about that, and most issues. But the one thing they never argued about was that political power must stay in the hands of the smartest people, and out of the hands of the dumbest loudmouths slowing down the checkout line at Home Depot.
And yet, Sarah Palin once said of Obama, we need a Commander-in-Chief, not a professor of law standing at a lectern. How gay is that! Well, I hate to break it to you, but:
Thomas Jefferson, lawyer.
Alexander Hamilton, Constitutional lawyer.
James Madison, lawyer.
John Adams, Constitutional lawyer.
They were not the common man of their day. Ben Franklin studied scientific phenomena like lightning and the aurora borealis, and were he alive today, he could probably explain to Bill OReilly why the tides go in and out.
James Madison was fluent in Greek and Latin, and could translate Virgil and Cicero. John Boehner cant translate Fareed Zakaria. And Thomas Jefferson was an astronomer and a physicist who founded the University of Virginia, played the violin, and spoke six languages. Or as Palin would say, all of them.
Real Time With Bill Maher; 1-15-11, "New Rules", HBO Studios