Few things chap my ass more than damned teenagers who dont know when to hang up the pillowcase and stop trolling for free candy on Halloween.

Dont get me wrong, I have no objection to doling out some boxed raisins or wintergreen lozenges to a 3-year old in a Ronald Reagan costume but I get pretty incensed when some pock-marked 17-year old smelling of bong water and sloth shows up at my door with an insolent scowl and a demand for free food.

In my day, teenagers didnt harass their neighbors for unearned sweets they were too busy holding down jobs, harvesting crops or serving in the armed forces overseas. But nowadays it seems young people trick or treat into their mid-twenties. Half the damned kids that bang on my door are over six feet tall, have five oclock shadow and voices deeper than Elaine Stritch for Christs sake.

And, honestly, if you insist on coming to my door looking to scrounge some hard candy at least put some effort into it. These damned teens refuse to say trick or treat, wont make eye contact and sure as hell dont bother with costumes. They just roll their eyes and stick a sack under your nose while text messaging their location to other scurrilous moochers in search of easy prey. If they intend to carry on with this shameless behavior the least they could do is dress like hobos or perhaps more accurately petty thieves.

And to add insult to indignity, theyre pounding on my door at 9 oclock when Im already in my nightshirt and well past the time that most legitimate trick or treaters have already gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up on the area rug.

Id send them running with their tails between their legs but they always have an air of violence about them. Rebuke their snivelling demands and youre likely to find your pumpkins violated, your rose bushes covered in toilet paper and your windows spattered with eggs.

Well, threat or no threat, this year Im saying No.

Be advised that any damned teenager who shows up at my door this Halloween wont be getting anything but a copy of the want ads, directions to the local military recruitment centre and a cane to the side of the head.

Happy Halloween. Now get the Hell off my lawn.