Here are things that I either said or were said to me this past week. My family and coworkers were in rare form.

The truck is stuck out in the middle of the cornfield and YES I was drunk.

I took the gun because they were going to kill me.

He is an old friend. Why he has my coffin in his basement!

I smell like onions and whores.

Good thing the cops didn't know he had a meth lab.

I would start looking for another job if I were you.

I just made you drive 80 miles for no good reason. Sorry.

Did you say the Bears lost to the Chiefs?!?

Point the barrel toward the roof of you mouth to make sure you do it right.

Did you ever have the urge to smell her chair after she had been sitting in it all day?


- Adios