Today I awoke from my slumber and eagerly rushed towards my Christmas tree, awaiting for presents from my mommy and daddy. Guess what? Absolutely fucking nothing! No presents, no candy canes, no little elves fingering my asshole ... nothing! When I confronted my mommy in regards to this situation, she replied with, "Our gift is your health and that we have supported you throughout the years of your existence." 

What the fuck? Fuck that shit. I'm so irate right now - I just made a couple of holes in my bedroom wall and I took a dump on the stairs. My mommy started crying but I don't give a shit - I wanted $500 and a golden watch ... and I didn't receive shit. Christmas is all about presents, not family or love ... if you don't buy your children presents on Christmas, kill yourself because you are a failure of a parent. 

Enough said, moral of the story: spoil your children or else you will be rotting in a retirement home when the time comes.