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I remember the first time I picked up a Bible.

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A couple of years ago, I was wiping my chin off after giving some girl a blowjob and I was ramming cigars and other ridiculous shit into my mouth. I was huffing and puffing, just not giving a shit about life and the "particles" around us that are ultimately responsible for the development of our species, so says the leftist scientists who spectate and participate in jack off sessions at their local bus stations. 

Anyways, I was slurping the good stuff up and I just collapsed ... I mean, I just went blank. The girl hollered towards her pimp but the overlord refused to do anything. I heard a couple of gunshots, pop pop pop, and poof. I awoke in the hospital and had some doctor give me a rectal exam. I couldn't resist but he just had to poke around, scraping my colon and squirting some NWO chemical. I knew it was time for my brainwashing but I squired around as the doctor yelled something in German and his mistresses complied and retrieved abnormally large syringes. 

Shit, shit, shit, I had to pop up and get the fuck out. I broke the spell I was in and immediately bolted towards the door. The doctor attempted to impede my escape but he failed - he failed so hard that glass began to shatter and I started melting away into the black and white tile. As I melted away, there I saw it. The Bible stood before me, opened at page one hundred and two, the Old Testament (of course) but it felt so out of place and New Testament-ish. 

John hollered, Peter beckoned his fish minions over, and Paul approached me, with a dead Barnabas in his arms. He wanted me to lead my faith out of the deep dark abyss and into the light; light or death, the choice was mine. My subconscious wanted me to go towards death but my heart said towards the light, Andrew, towards the light. I walked and sprinted and began walking again but I eventually made it - the light was there. I flicked the switch on and the Bible arose from the murky waters. 

Bible be there, praise God and Jesus. I understood everything now: Eden existed, Adam and Eve are our ancestors, the Devil is preaching evolution, and that I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. I love Christianity and you evil doers, who deny God's existence, will be trembling at the Gates of Heaven. God LOVES us ... Jesus LOVES us ... stop with the evolution stuff and stop with science. It's all brainwashing us! Religion is not a cult, it's just the orthodox and right way. God bless, please no mean comments. 
andrewryan69 Uploaded 04/15/2012
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