Welcome to Frankie's Guide. A wonderful article series (and sometimes video) about how to deal with the hectic shit clusters of everyday life. In this first series, I will be guiding you through how to avoid break-ins like a pro. "That's stupid, all you need is a security system and a watch dog" you may proclaim. Well dumb fuck, if you say so. But how often does that stop a burglar? The answer is, if you have so good shit to keep safe, they'll figure out a way to get it. I know if I needed meth money (and sometimes I do) I'll be using my remaining brain cells to hash out a plan. This plan will obviously include casing the joint, which is the main factor of a break-in we will be focusing on because it is the beginning of a problem. And you know what they say, if you can stop it before it happens, then you are working more efficiently than our government.

Now without further adieu, here is Frankie's Guide to Avoiding Break-ins (part 1).

There are two steps in this part one of avoiding break-ins. They are so simple, any lazy American will be willing to make an effort. Having said that, both steps barely require any form of effort, if you try. But in this case let's give the scenario of individuals with fairly good jobs but are very cheap and, judging by the economy, don't want to buy in a better neighborhood just yet. This is the perfect program. GET ON WITH IT... Step one: The Outside Appearance!

The outside of your house should look like shit. Plain and simple. If it already does, then great, let's make it even shittier. No nice yard and no gardens. If there are gardens they should be over grown and probably contain some scotch broom because that plant along with every other weed in the world is like the relative you hope is gay and infertile so there is no chance of them creating life.

You can forget about garbage day because now, everyday is garbage day on your front lawn! Just dump all your crap out there! Food scraps, broken toys, used external catheters, whatever you want! Anything goes! Also add in a rusty car or two that you've been wanting to "fix up" for a year. Then take off a tire or two so 1: no one can steal it and 2: you know why.

As for the house itself, just hang some NRA posters on the rotten garage door and let the house paint fade into allege. Essentially your house should look like a meth operation. By doing this people will be too scared to enter the premise. "But what if the burglar is looking for meth?" Watch some God Damn Law