What Women Want.
Tyaeda
Published
01/29/2013
I can't speak for everyone, so I won't. Everyone is different, just like most relationships are different, so it would be impossible to generalize "Love" in a way that would work for everyone. This blog should probably end right here, but since that wouldn't be much of a blog, I'll try and explain what I believe is a healthy relationship.
I'm a proud newly wed. The relationship I have with my husband is the best social interaction I've ever had. I put him before myself, my friends, and even my family. Might sound bad, but I'd be lying if I denied that. He's the same way, and puts be before anything else as well.
After a few failed attempts at love, only to finally find my husband, I'd like to think of myself as someone who can identify a good relationship over an unhealthy one. I'd like to share my experience with you all, and maybe it can help some of you in your mission to find meaningful companionship.
A major misconception I find is that "every couple fights". Claiming that constant bickering and disagreements are normal. People see this as a way to deny issues in their relationship. It's not normal, it's just unfortunately common. It's a vicious cycle where both parties lose, and if you ask me, a miserable way to live. It doesn't matter what you and your lover have gone through, it's how you got through it that counts. I find that couples fight most when they feel as though not only have their partners not held up their end of the deal, but that they have been the main contributor to the relationship. When someone feels unappreciated in any situation, they often begin to keep score, which they use to try and prove someone else wrong. Basically trying to guilt someone into feeling bad for you, and giving you what you feel you deserve. The result, regardless of who wins, is usually not very satisfying for anyone. The tension isn't eliminated, and these same issues are usually brought up more than once. My husband and I avoid this problem by simply not being selfish. When the house is clean, we both benefit, by living in a clean home. When either one of us is working, we both benefit, by not being poor. When one of us isn't working, we both suffer financially, together. We see ourselves as one entity in that way.
Last year my husband quit his job of 15 years. The company was going down hill fast, and we both thought that his experience and work ethic was worth more than what he was being compensated for. He wasn't happy, so I bit the bullet and was the sole provider for us until he found a new job. He found work, and is now making 5 dollars more per hour, is in a union, with a company that has a promising future. I could have gotten angry and tried to talk him into keeping his shitty job, because I didn't want to be the only one doing the work, but I didn't. I love to see him happy, and am willing to do what it takes to ensure that. Now before you judge, you should know that he also supported me as I built my resume, and landed the job that allowed him to quit his. Neither one of us would have gotten where we are right now without each other's support. Sure we fell victim to the stress of poverty. Our patience with each other wore thin at times, but we didn't express this anger, because each one of us knew that the other person was in the same boat. Most of all, we supported each other, because we knew that the end result would benefit both of us.
Now, it's not like we sat down and agreed to these terms. It just happened. Which is why it's very important to be with someone who shares the same values as you do. This is tricky, because many people will portray what they want, or think is right, before they show their true colours. When you get married, you're taking the good with the bad, accepting it whole-heartily. If you're not prepared to do that, you are not prepared to commit to that person in any way. Hoping to change someone in any way whatsoever is a disappointing venture. You can only change yourself, and if you're not willing to do that to make your partner happy, most likely things will not work out. I'm not saying you have to change. I think it would be better to be with someone you don't feel the need, or have no problems adapting to. My husband and I have our differences, but neither of us feel strongly enough against any of those issues to make a big deal out of it. No we're not bottling shit up inside in order to keep the peace, we just accept it and move on.
For example, this weekend that just passed, I worked a Friday night shift, and came home and slept most of the day, waking up around 2pm. This is usually pretty early for me, but we had things to do at our new house that we wanted to do that day. Around 3pm my husband decided to take a nap, which turned out to be 5 hours long. I spent most of the day angry, because I didn't see why he didn't just sleep with me, and then we could have got that shit done. I don't like to waste what little time I have at home (I only get one weekend off a month). My favourite part of the weekend is spending time with him, he knows that, so naturally I was pissed. I didn't wake him up. And when he did wake up, I didn't mention it. It was already too late to do anything anyway, so even if I did win that fight, I couldn't get my way even if I wanted to. He sensed there was something wrong, and apologized. He actually confronted me on the issue, saying that he didn't intend to sleep that long. Because we both slept all day, we stayed up all night watching movies and smoking doobies. If I made a deal out of it, we would have spent the night arguing instead. The next day we took care of our errands.
Most of all, I'd like to stress this other major misconception. It's not love that is keeping shitty relationships together, it's a fear of change and a sense of comfort they gain from familiarity. Living a life so close to someone, means that you entangle many aspects of life together. A break up is far more than just leaving the person, it's leaving a lifestyle that you've created with that person, around your relationship. Even if what you know is crap, it's still a certainty, and leaving that means to go out into the great unknown. It's a risk. Some people would rather live a miserable life than to take that risk.
To be successful in a relationship, you have to know what a successful relationship is. You will never be happy, unless you know what makes you happy. Optimism doesn't count. Sure, I'd be happy to win the lottery, but I'm not going to spend every cent I have on scratch-offs. Fortunately, with relationships, it's not like picking a random ticket, it's more like knowing the winning numbers.
I'm a proud newly wed. The relationship I have with my husband is the best social interaction I've ever had. I put him before myself, my friends, and even my family. Might sound bad, but I'd be lying if I denied that. He's the same way, and puts be before anything else as well.
After a few failed attempts at love, only to finally find my husband, I'd like to think of myself as someone who can identify a good relationship over an unhealthy one. I'd like to share my experience with you all, and maybe it can help some of you in your mission to find meaningful companionship.
A major misconception I find is that "every couple fights". Claiming that constant bickering and disagreements are normal. People see this as a way to deny issues in their relationship. It's not normal, it's just unfortunately common. It's a vicious cycle where both parties lose, and if you ask me, a miserable way to live. It doesn't matter what you and your lover have gone through, it's how you got through it that counts. I find that couples fight most when they feel as though not only have their partners not held up their end of the deal, but that they have been the main contributor to the relationship. When someone feels unappreciated in any situation, they often begin to keep score, which they use to try and prove someone else wrong. Basically trying to guilt someone into feeling bad for you, and giving you what you feel you deserve. The result, regardless of who wins, is usually not very satisfying for anyone. The tension isn't eliminated, and these same issues are usually brought up more than once. My husband and I avoid this problem by simply not being selfish. When the house is clean, we both benefit, by living in a clean home. When either one of us is working, we both benefit, by not being poor. When one of us isn't working, we both suffer financially, together. We see ourselves as one entity in that way.
Last year my husband quit his job of 15 years. The company was going down hill fast, and we both thought that his experience and work ethic was worth more than what he was being compensated for. He wasn't happy, so I bit the bullet and was the sole provider for us until he found a new job. He found work, and is now making 5 dollars more per hour, is in a union, with a company that has a promising future. I could have gotten angry and tried to talk him into keeping his shitty job, because I didn't want to be the only one doing the work, but I didn't. I love to see him happy, and am willing to do what it takes to ensure that. Now before you judge, you should know that he also supported me as I built my resume, and landed the job that allowed him to quit his. Neither one of us would have gotten where we are right now without each other's support. Sure we fell victim to the stress of poverty. Our patience with each other wore thin at times, but we didn't express this anger, because each one of us knew that the other person was in the same boat. Most of all, we supported each other, because we knew that the end result would benefit both of us.
Now, it's not like we sat down and agreed to these terms. It just happened. Which is why it's very important to be with someone who shares the same values as you do. This is tricky, because many people will portray what they want, or think is right, before they show their true colours. When you get married, you're taking the good with the bad, accepting it whole-heartily. If you're not prepared to do that, you are not prepared to commit to that person in any way. Hoping to change someone in any way whatsoever is a disappointing venture. You can only change yourself, and if you're not willing to do that to make your partner happy, most likely things will not work out. I'm not saying you have to change. I think it would be better to be with someone you don't feel the need, or have no problems adapting to. My husband and I have our differences, but neither of us feel strongly enough against any of those issues to make a big deal out of it. No we're not bottling shit up inside in order to keep the peace, we just accept it and move on.
For example, this weekend that just passed, I worked a Friday night shift, and came home and slept most of the day, waking up around 2pm. This is usually pretty early for me, but we had things to do at our new house that we wanted to do that day. Around 3pm my husband decided to take a nap, which turned out to be 5 hours long. I spent most of the day angry, because I didn't see why he didn't just sleep with me, and then we could have got that shit done. I don't like to waste what little time I have at home (I only get one weekend off a month). My favourite part of the weekend is spending time with him, he knows that, so naturally I was pissed. I didn't wake him up. And when he did wake up, I didn't mention it. It was already too late to do anything anyway, so even if I did win that fight, I couldn't get my way even if I wanted to. He sensed there was something wrong, and apologized. He actually confronted me on the issue, saying that he didn't intend to sleep that long. Because we both slept all day, we stayed up all night watching movies and smoking doobies. If I made a deal out of it, we would have spent the night arguing instead. The next day we took care of our errands.
Most of all, I'd like to stress this other major misconception. It's not love that is keeping shitty relationships together, it's a fear of change and a sense of comfort they gain from familiarity. Living a life so close to someone, means that you entangle many aspects of life together. A break up is far more than just leaving the person, it's leaving a lifestyle that you've created with that person, around your relationship. Even if what you know is crap, it's still a certainty, and leaving that means to go out into the great unknown. It's a risk. Some people would rather live a miserable life than to take that risk.
To be successful in a relationship, you have to know what a successful relationship is. You will never be happy, unless you know what makes you happy. Optimism doesn't count. Sure, I'd be happy to win the lottery, but I'm not going to spend every cent I have on scratch-offs. Fortunately, with relationships, it's not like picking a random ticket, it's more like knowing the winning numbers.
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