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The Kingdom of eBaum's Season1 Episode 1

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Before my arrival into the Castle Blog, I was greeted by many weak minded guards, who blocked my path with heavy blades. 

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Retards from the turrets, taunted me with weird French accents. They laughed and suggested they had sex with my mother or I was fake and something about being an alt? I knew then, I had lots to learn.

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If it wasn't for the Captain's of the Guard,  GIjoe and Majorfathead interjecting, my fate may have met certain death. They called back the guard and graciously offered to show me the castle grounds. GIjoe was also in charge of healing both body and soul. Majorfathead lead the Church of Rock with humble disposition.

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"The first thing you must learn is the command structure so as to know your place among the people of Castle Blog" instructed Majorfathead. "Our King is Deunanknute. Many years ago he rode off tormented by a brilliant mind, infected with the opiates the miscreants thus poisoned his food and drink. Their are legends he now resides, self imposed, in a metal box safe from the opiates that once rotted his mind. It is hoped that one day he will return to Castle Blog to once again rule us."

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"Our Queen,  of broken heart and growing despise for men, spent many a night saturated by distilled potato water. At these times, even battle hardened soldiers hid under the bar tables in case the Queen came in for her pound of flesh."

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"Garadain, having little patience for women run amok, conspired with us and we sequestered the Queen with dungeon and straightjacket. Garadian then dubbed her Straightjacketgirl, with a paddle to her back side. Some said she smiled, though she vehemently denies such rumours.  Almost every night, you will hear her spin great tales from within her keep. Garadain then crowned himself King until the return of Deunanknute. This was unacceptable to the realm, so we call him, Mr. President and let him wear the crown."

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" I warn thee of this house Letemdangle. It is the house of Neko, a self professed dragon slayer. I assure you she is not. She is what is known in the realm, as a troll. Do not feed her. Her song is of sirens and if you listen to them, she can drive you mad. Do not be fooled by her placard announcing herself the "Dragon Slayer". It will be replaced by Tyeada with another that reads "Troll". This continuous dance of changing the placards can go on for a fortnight without end."

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"For your education needs, let us introduce Tomlet. The Castle Blog professor of Information. If you hear whispers on your travels, you may present them here. But let me warn you, conspiracy will not be tolerated. Unless such conspiracy comes with a wagon full of documents, peered reviewed, waxed stamped and passed by executive order from Mr. President himself, your head may lose it's perch. Try to stick to universally accepted truth, to avoid losing credibility here at Castle Blog."


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"This is Keldon the castles purveyor of fine men's wear. If he's not in his shop, you might find him coaching boys football in the Penn. He's weary of strangers and may try to call you out incessantly, but he'll come around."

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"This is our illustrious Fuzzywuzzy. Big heart, joyful and on a mission to save sad maidens. Do not stand in front of his quest no matter how foolish, (breaks into song) No matter how hopeless, no matter how far, To fight for the right 
Without question or pause, 
To be willing to march into hell 
For a heavenly cause,  (back to regular voice) but I digress. I love that song."

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"Over here, you will find the, "Guild of Spam". It's an acquired taste, practised by many, perfected by few. It serves only to annoy or mock the super sillious. The sitting master is NO_U, he can assist you in such matters if there is a need."

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"This is a rather distasteful but necessary past time here at Castle blog. The ripping of asses in order to inspect butt. Don't worry, it won't happen to you, these inspections are for the swine amongst us."

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"With that Letemdangle, I leave you being a better man, in this strange place we call, The Castle Blog."





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