Dennis Rodman's Dicta-Tour
by Emily Niland
Following the runaway success of his much-publicized trip to North Korea, Dennis Rodman decided to team up with the magnanimous masterminds over at VICE Magazine to launch a mission of trans-dimensional diplomacy. After spending time a-wassailing with the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, Rodman and VICE decided to keep the party rolling through the space-time continuum to include multiple stops along the history of human civilization. Dennis Rodman's Dicta-Tour was made possible through revolutionary advancements in the sciences of both time travel and debauchery.
In order to transverse the boundaries of the fourth dimension, Dennis Rodman was provided with a state of the art time travel device referred to as a temporal irrigation system. Using this piece of equipment, Rodman was able to insert himself into (and rinse out any misconceived notions about) the lives of famous dictators throughout history. This innovative apparatus also came equipped with a direct connection to Rodman's modern-day Twitter account, so that he was able to report back on his experiences as they were happening in the past.
Arriving in 1989 Iraq, the American athlete made quick work of insinuating himself into Saddam Hussein's inner circle to act as an ambassador for sports diplomacy at a time of heightened tensions between the U.S. and Iraq. Saddam's son, Uday Hussein, took a particular shine to the gregarious sportsman. As head of the Iraqi Olympic committee and soccer federation, Uday had much to discuss with Ambassador Rodman. The aggressively competitive son of the dictator pressed Ambassador Rodman for details on which torture methods were the most effective in forcing his team to secure the 1989 NBA Championship (during which Ambassador Rodman was playing for the victorious Detroit Pistons).
Saddam and Uday entertained their guest at the swanky Baghdad Boat Club until late in the evening. Ambassador Rodman also got to meet the Hussein family pet, Louisa, a whiskey-fed monkey with a vicious temper whose cage became a party foul dumping ground for guests who fell asleep before the festivities had concluded. Luckily for Ambassador Rodman, his high-tolerance for alcohol made him immune to receiving a mutilated face as a party favor! By dawn however, it was time for Ambassador Rodman to leave his new friends and hop back in his time machine to get to the next stop on his Dicta-Tour. When asked about the Kurdish Genocide that was being perpetrated by the Iraqi Government during his stay in Baghdad, Ambassador Rodman tweeted that such matters were "just politics and did not effect his impression of Saddam Hussein as an awesome guy.
After pulling his temporal irrigation system out of Iraq, Ambassador Rodman was transported to 1939 Nazi Germany. The daredevil diplomat was brought immediately to the Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler, who was celebrating his 50th birthday in Berlin. Ambassador Rodman was treated to a lavish feast of bratwurst and strudel. Following dinner, there was a surprise gift waiting out front for the birthday boy: a brand new Volkswagen convertible!
The mood of the party soured momentarily as Hitler threw a tantrum admonishing his constituents for getting the convertible in the wrong shade of black. I said 'Charred Corpse' not 'Gypsy Tears' you [expletive] idiots! he reportedly shrieked at a crowd of cowering attendees. Ambassador Rodman employed his patented diplomatic charm to diffuse the situation telling Hitler Chill out, Daddy, and take me for a spin! before the two of them hit the autobahn. After receiving angry tweets from the families of Holocaust survivors, Ambassador Rodman came to the defense of his free-wheeling chum saying that "I don't condone what he does, but as far as a person to person, he's my friend"
For his last stop on the Dicta-Tour, Ambassador Rodman wanted to go out with a bang. He arrived in Rome in the year 39 BC and found himself at a decadent banquet in honor of Emperor Caligula. Damn, this is my kind of party, Ambassador Rodman exclaimed as he eyeballed the throngs of naked women and lascivious acts taking place within the palace walls. Several hours and goblets of wine later, when the time-traveling diplomat had seemingly been satiated, Caligula invited Ambassador Rodman to join him at the sporting arena to behold that evening's gladiator spectacle.
During intermission there was a lull in the crowd and Caligula was growing restless. In the interest of keeping the momentum going, the emperor ordered his guards to start throwing dozens of unarmed spectators into the pit to be mauled by wild animals. As the mangled corpses were dragged around in the mouths of bears and lions, Caligula turned to his sister and began making out with her vigorously. Ambassador Rodman was reportedly impressed with his host's devotion to family and fun.
When he returned to the present day United States this week, Ambassador Rodman had nothing but nice things to say about his time spent with various arbiters of human atrocities. "Nobody is perfect. Why not focus on the things we have in common? Strong booze, fast cars, loose women. Good times are the only things that matter."
At press time, VICE Magazine founder Shane Smith was unavailable for comment on the history-making journalistic endeavor. Apparently he had been tinkering around with the time travel device and accidentally transported himself back to 39 BC. Although no word has arrived from Smith since his departure, it is assumed that he is enjoying his stay in Caligula's palace.