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My friend Chad.. a homosexual. (true story)

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Alright. I'm going to start this story by saying these events are completely based on an experience I had. I may not be able to recount everything that happened that day. But, I'll try to jot down everything I remember. 
It was Mid June and it was really starting to feel like summer. This would be the first time I could really utilize my in-ground pool, which was put in last year. I figured I would phone up some buddies and see if anyone would like to join me. After all, the wife and kid were out for the day with my mother-in-law visiting the Zoo. I took it as a chance to unwind and really spend some guy time with the fellas'. I prepped it all, hit up the store for some beers, got some charcoal for the grill, hot dogs, hamburgers- I was ready.
It was pretty short notice, so my friend Chad (a user here named bobbagnoosh) and one of his friends were the only ones who were going to make it out until later in the day. I was pretty pumped up, because I hadn't seen Chad in about 3-4 months because he had been on a mission in Turkey. 
I got everything set up and about an hour later Chad pulls up. I noticed he was alone. I remember asking him where his buddy was and he responded with a comment like, "He'll be here soon" or something. We took to the pool right away, both of us jumping right in. We started conversing about life and just trying to catch up on the lost time. I was getting married in a month at this point and he seemed very excited about the open bar. I was floating on my back in the pool when I saw out my peripheral vision something I thought was strange. Chad was almost in a doggy paddle position with his anus facing one of the jets, as if poking him directly in his behind. I quickly called him out on it, since we've known each other since childhood. 
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him, with a slight hint of confusion. 
"Dude, this shit feels so good on my hemroids. But, I think its making me need to poop." He responded casually. I was a bit taken back with how easily those words escaped his mouth. Never the less, I nodded it off as him just trying to be funny.
He jumped out of the pool and started to rush in doors, presumably for the bathroom. He must of allowed that jet to shoot a gallon of water up his butt for as long as he was sitting there. I shouted at him as he ran inside to not get the entire house soaking wet. I really didn't feel like hearing my wife's shit when she came home about the house being a slippery mess.
I got out of the pool and started to throw some hot dogs on the grill. Chad came out shortly after.
"Wow man, I about filled your toilet to the rim with pool water. I didn't think that would happen" Chad said with a hand on his stomach. I looked at him with a quirked brow, he was beginning to weird me out. I started to hope his friend would show up soon to maybe void out this uncomfortable feeling I had. 
Chad studied his phone for 15 seconds. "Welp, looks like hes not coming". I assumed he met his friend. I was a bit disheartened by the news. I was hoping a few more people would come since I didn't get the opportunity to do this very often.
I walked over to where Chad was sitting and put two hot dogs on a plate in front of him. 
"There ya go, dickhead" I said, hoping to maybe loosen myself up with some crude humor. 
"I'll show you a dickhead" Chad said. While muttering these words, I saw his hand pull down the bottom trim of his shorts to reveal his penis.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?!?!?!" I shouted at him. "Are you fucking gay or something, nobody here wants to see your dick. Put that shit away, fucking idiot." At this point, I was extremely upset with him. That uncomfortable feeling has now shot through the roof and I had begun to feel resentment toward Chad for ruining this day for me. 
"Look man, I was just kidding. Jeez, don't get all bent out of shape about it." Chad said. 
"Just cut it out with that gay shit. You got your asshole up against my pool. You're showing me your dick. You're starting to freak me out, man." I said to Chad, hoping to break through to him.
"Alright, alright, alright." Chad said, while hanging his head.
I saw him studying his plate. He removed the hot dog from the bun and started to stick in his mouth. This was the last straw. I thought to myself, is he fucking with me? Does he think this is funny or something?
"Alright, thats fucking it!!! You got to get out here." I yelled, while moving toward him in an aggressive manner. 
Chad lifted his hands as if to brace himself for a hit. He was pretty frightened. "I'm sorry man, I just like the juices! I'll stop..." He seemed to understand he crossed a line with me at this point. "Can I just get back in the pool?", He asked.
"Whatever, dude, you're acting really strange since you got back from your vacation, or whatever the fuck" I said to him, with a tone of anger. 
I ate my hot dog as I watched him make his way toward the diving board. He jumped in and started to swim around. I heard him shouting something from the pool, but I couldn't quite make it out. I got closer to see what he was saying.
"Hump back whale, man!! Look!" He shouted, as he did so he dived in the pool revealing his bare ass. I guess, he had been up against that jet again, because he timed it to where the water shot out of his ass the same time his bottom surfaced above the water.
I ran over to him at this point and pulled him by his hair out of the water. I smacked him open handed across his face and started punching him. I was messing him up real good. I had finally come to my senses and took a step back. I was still shouting obscenities at him, but I can't remember the specifics. He was crying pretty hard
He was SCREWED UP. He limped out of backyard and got in his car, he was mumbling something, but I couldn't make out what. My adrenaline was running real hard at this point. I watched at the end of my drive way as he backed out. I didn't take my eyes off that bastard until I saw him make the turn out of my neighborhood.
That was the last I heard of Chad. I see him on eBaums from time to him.
MoltoMario Uploaded 04/22/2013
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