A man in O-high-o was found curled up in the fetal position, wallowing in a pile of Doritos, Goldfish, and Chips Ahoy after calling police because he was too high. When police arrived at the 22-year-old’s house a little after 5pm, they were directed upstairs by his grandfather, who had no idea that his grandson had attempted the impossible.

Stoners have been trying and failing for years to make an edible fort. According to theoretical dank-ness it’s possible, but an amateur was bound to get hurt in an attempt. Like a hash lab being run by some teens too busy fucking to learn how to make their drugs properly, an explosion was inevitable. Also, silly dude, if anyone was going to make a fort out of Doritos it was gonna be Taco Bell, not your dumb, high ass. In fact, I have it on good authority that the next FourthMeal item is going to be a tiny dorito house, held together with nothing but “ground beef” and the regret of Taco Bell customers. The objective will be to eat your way out of the miniature casa before you a) puke, or b) decide that if you ordered this shit you’re high enough to warrant a call to 911.

This poor guy also reported that he was so high he couldn’t feel his hands, though he felt them enough to hand over the keys to his car, which was where he allegedly smoked the pots. Inside the police found a pipe, rolling papers, roaches and a jar of weed, but haven’t charged him with anything yet. Really? When did Ohio get cool? Maybe it’s because they realize that we’ve all been there, and all this guy did was join the long, proud tradition of People Who Couldn’t Handle Their Shit. And unlike a lot of other People Who Couldn’t Handle Their Shit, at least he admitted he needed help, though he also reportedly refused medical attention once police arrived. But yeah, he swallowed his pride, called the authorities and then took a goddamn dirt bath in his crushed munchies/ dreams. Clearly this guy shot for the stars, and you know what? He went too damn high.