Dear Chuck McCarthy,

Let me start by saying, I am sorry for always being the one to pop up when people Google search “Chuck McCarthy.” Also, I apologize for being shirtless in most of my photos. I’m just trying to give my fans what they want, but believe me, I understand your clients and bosses might not feel the same way my fans do, and I feel for you if this SEO issue has affected some of you in more professional careers. The Internet is a tough place, and I’m just trying to make it myself. Next, let me applaud you for not being a crybaby loser and dropping out of being Chuck McCarthy, like some people, cough, cough, Cormac McCarthy. He was born Chuck McCarthy, but changed his name like a little baby and went off to write books and movies about tough guys. Guess what “Cormac,” tough guys live with the name they’re given. That’s what the song “Boy Named Sue” is all about. Whatever! I didn’t write this just to trash panty boy Cormac. Some of his books are pretty good, though they would be better if they were written by Chuck McCarthy.

Back to the topic at hand, I want to proposition you, not for sex, but for help. I would like to offer you and all the other Chuck McCarthys in the world a chance to be part of a bigger Chuck McCarthy than yourself. This is a call to join the Chuck McCarthy Society, a fraternal sorority of Chuck McCarthys focused on making Chuck McCarthy the strongest name in the world.
 

What do you get out of it? If you join the society, and help make me a Big Time Hollywood Actor, I will donate 10% of my earnings to be divided amongst the Chuck McCarthy Society, Chuck McCarthys. Furthermore, I will try to wear more clothing in all my photos. You will have the same name as a Big Time Hollywood Actor. I will use my influence in society to help you with your various projects and interests both charitable and commercial. Plus, every year, I will throw a fantastic Chuck McCarthy Galla for all Chuck McCarthy Society members.