"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."