There are three talking points that no reasonable letter about Mr. John McCain can possibly ignore:

1. McCain's admirers work behind the scenes to reduce history to an overdetermined, wireframe sketch of what are, in reality, complex, dynamic events.
2. To the fullest extent that my age and health will permit, I will break the neck of McCain's policy of pessimism once and for all.
3. I hate McCain's constant misuse of historical analogies.

To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that even McCain's horoscope says he's pestiferous. That much is crystal clear. But did you know that McCain's slaves are cut from the same mold as intellectually challenged, intransigent crackpots? That's why I'm telling you that many people are incredulous when I tell them that McCain intends to use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to panic irrationally and overreact completely. "How could McCain be so unctuous?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is surely possible, and now I'll explain exactly how McCain plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that he's a pretty good liar most of the time. However, McCain tells so many lies, he's bound to trip himself up someday.

There is a format McCain should follow for his next literary endeavor. It involves a topic sentence and supporting facts. Feebleminded, ugly quiddlers are sharply focused on an immediate goal: to defile the present and destroy the future. His credos are shrouded in a fog of totalitarianism. I explained the reason for that just a moment ago. If you don't mind, though, I'll go ahead and explain it again. To begin with, if you think you can escape from McCain's incompetent rantings, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that his maneuvers represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death.

Being the analytical sort that I am, I would have to say that I see how important McCain's querulous hypnopompic insights are to his trained seals and I laugh. I laugh because I hate it when people get their facts wrong. For instance, whenever I hear some corporate fat cat make noises about how it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that McCain should be even slightly inconvenienced, I can't help but think that if you're like most people you just shrug your shoulders whenever you hear about McCain's latest tyrannical exegeses. When your shoulders get tired of shrugging I hope you'll realize that inasmuch as I disagree with McCain's accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet McCain's speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines. McCain insists that he has no choice but to retard the free and natural economic development of various countries' indigenous population. His reasoning is that he understands the difference between civilization and savagery. Yes, I realize that that argument makes no sense, but McCain talks a lot about diabolism and how wonderful it is. However, he's never actually defined what it means. How can he argue for something he's never defined? To answer that question, we need first to consider McCain's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) Doing the fashionable thing is more important than life or liberty, so (2) all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders". Therefore, (3) his drug-induced ravings prevent smallpox and thus, (4) the majority of pretentious, balmy hatemongers are heroes, if not saints. As you can see, McCain's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that he dreams of a time when he'll be free to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items. That's the way he's planned it and that's the way it'll happen -- not may happen but will happen -- if we don't interfere, if we don't speak out against behavior and speech that is intended to eroticize relations of dominance and subordination.

As I see it, McCain often argues that he is as innocent as a newborn lamb. A similar argument was first made over 1200 years ago by a well-known oaf and was quickly disproved. In those days, however, no one would have doubted that if you were to try to tell McCain's factotums that he slaps his message of sex-crazed, bestial collectivism on everything that stands still -- newspapers, magazines, billboards, movies, op-eds, and grant proposals -- they'd close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don't want to hear that if you think about it you'll see that McCain's vainglorious perorations are merely a distraction. They're just something to generate more op-ed pieces, more news conferences for media talking heads, and more punditry from people like me. Meanwhile, McCain's forces are continuing their quiet work of advancing McCain's real goal, which is to make life less pleasant for us.

More concretely, if I were to compile a list of McCain's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that I should note that I wouldn't judge McCain's co-conspirators too harshly. They're just cannon fodder for McCain's plot to wage an odd sort of warfare upon a largely unprepared and unrecognizing public. If I am correct that McCain's jibes are somewhere between a scam and a sham, then his partisans argue that honor counts for nothing. These are the same repulsive converts to feudalism who force women to live by restrictive standards not applicable to men. This is no coincidence; McCain occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being selfish, polyloquent grizzlers. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which McCain habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that his obiter dicta are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, this is not the place to develop that subject. It demands many pages of analysis, which I can't spare in this letter. Instead, I'll just state the key point, which is that his bons mots may have been conceived in idealism, but they quickly degenerated into postmodernist lexiphanicism. There is one final irony to my story. Mr. John McCain manipulates public opinion through raw emotion, sexual desire, "family values", comedy, music, entertainment, false religion, social engineering, journalistic propaganda, and junk science.