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Inner Monologue

 

Oh no…I just sat down for class and in the process of sitting I obtained a massive wedgie. Ugh, this is a big one…it’ll probably require a good ten seconds of digging before I can successfully alleviate the wedge. Maybe I can shift my body weight…nope doesn’t work, not for a wedgie of this caliber. Why haven’t they invented the wedgie-less underwear yet? It’s a million dollar idea. You see two brands of underwear for sale, and one guarantee’s no wedgie’s. Which one are you going to buy?

            Jesus, I bet everybody knows. They’re all probably whispering to each other, “I think that kid in the red hat has a wedgie or something.”

            Alright, clam down. Nobody knows. Besides the beads of nervous sweat atop your forehead, no one has any reason to suspect anything. It’s just a warm day is all. No wedgie here.

            What the hell am I going to do about this? I can’t stand up and pick it out for the whole class to see and laugh at. Maybe I can excuse myself and go to the bathroom to pick it out. Eh, can’t. This professor hates when kids walk out during his lecture. This is so humiliating. Why did this have to happen to me? Everyone else is sitting happily in their desks learning without any wedgies to worry about. I hate them all.

            Oh snap! Someone on the other side of the room just dropped his pen. This is gold! Everyone’s attention is now on him while he scrambles to pick up his pen. I can discreetly reach back and pretend I have an itch, then grab the top of my boxers and pull out the wedgie. Ok…here goes…scratch…scratch…keep scratching…make sure no one’s looking…ok now grab and tub, grab and tug! Oh Christ! It went deeper! This is the worst day of my life.

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