I just had the most terrifying experience of my life. I just explored the unknown, a power so incredibly vast that no human mind can understand it, traveled through time, under my own creation.
I just had had a lucid dream, and it was fucking scary. I'm still not sure if I'm awake or not. Seriously. Everything seems in its right place, nothing seems odd, and I can control lights and read clocks. That is the key. I will always check lights from now on.
I can't remember how it started...But I CAN! Because I CREATED the whole fucking thing! This is nuts, this is weird...
It started tonight, less than half an hour ago. I finished reading a few chapters of Still life with Woodpecker, put it on my bedstand (actually a Fostex PM-04 studio monitor box) and "fell asleep". I'm sure this is the moment that it happened. I'm going to rifle through this as fast as possible so that I don't lose it.
Someone called me, wanted to hang out, Lauren I believe, so I got up and had a couple of tokes from my bowl, and then went down to some house on the avenues. I remember feeling weird. I really, actually felt high. I went to this extraordinary house, smoked a joint with this girl's dad (who was strangely comforting) and grandmother (who was even more so) and I fiddled with latchsets on a doorframe, not understanding how it closed. Everyone at the house was leaving, going to Elliott's house for a party, a going away party, and Lauren was running around looking for a lemon. And I could smell the lemon. I walked into a room with strange animals in it. A ferret/cat/tasmanian devil lay asleep on the floor, escaped from its cage. Two kittens roamed freely around the room, yet I knew that they were in fact dozens of years old. A dog lay asleep in the corner, of a breed I have never seen. Upon closer inspection, I see that the dog is actually a wolf, and remembered someone telling me that the person who's house I was at had a wolf. I went to pet it, but instantly it grew aware of me and growled, but only when I was in close proximity, then it would merely fall back asleep once I removed my hand from its aura. The wolf's face turned into a cartoon, a living stereotype of itself, the wolf from a three little pigs cartoon I saw as a child, with a long snout and half-moon eyes. I spoke aloud of its own irony. I felt a chill in the air, and left the room.
Not sure what to do, I noticed that nothing was happening whatsoever. Nothing. No sounds, no movements, just me. I went to put on my shoes, not knowing what else to do, and found that I had inserted my foot into a hole in the bottom of a rollerblade. This baffled me, to say the least, but I merely attributed it to the marijuana, and thought it odd how incredibly high I felt. I looked up, and the faces of two girls were above me, whom I'm still sure I knew, but cannot remember their names... they seemed to be the last people left in the house, and asked if I was leaving. I said that I really wanted to, and was embarrassed at how long I had been in the house wandering about for what seemed like-hours, like days. Just then, Lauren appeared with a Lemon and said it was time to go.
We walked up Charlotte street, and I felt comfortable. Lauren made me feel at ease, but I still felt so high. I Told her about the goings-on in the house, and I remember saying "I had two tokes before coming over, and then I just puffed a joint with -'s dad and grandma, but I haven't been this high in-ever." She laughed and with such realism, with such Lauren-ness, said she hasn't been really good high in a long time. At this point, I noticed that I was seeing everything with my own eyes. I wasn't seeing a projection of myself, or merely the abstract thought of what was going on, I could see it clearly, I could see my hands, my arms, and my feet.
At this realization, I looked up to see what looked like the entire charlotte street performing some kind of hazing on random pedestrians. Drunken frat guys standing on the sidewalks, the streets, with basketballs and beers, staring me down, Strange girls seemed to be luring me to them, obviously in some connection with the hazing men. Nooses hung from trees...
Ashamed, I wanted to run, I felt a panic in me, real panic, and I wanted to get through the street as fast as possible. I hastened my pace, leaving Lauren behind me, and I felt a tremendous wave of guilt that I had left her behind. A girl approached me, and I managed to brush her off. I had to walk through a basketball game of scary fraternities hazers, the defensemen faceless, the offense staring at me with excitement and evil in their eyes, faces I have seen before. They muttered something, but I again managed to slip past them.
I crossed a gate of some kind, and I knew I was safe. I looked back and saw Lauren walking through the hazers, unharmed, but frightened as well. As she crossed the gates, she transformed into Hannah-I can't remember her last name, but she was apparently the girl that I loved. This I did not understand, because I thought about it, and I knew that I loved Kristina, and remembered every ounce of feeling that I had for her, yet for some reason, Hannah, hand in my hand, was the girl I was supposed to love. For some reason, I felt a tinge of danger and decided not to question it. I left it alone, as we walked some familiar barns and run-down houses that I swear I've seen somewhere. We reached a scary looking tunnel leading downwards in a barn, and I realize that the barn is quite friendly looking. I then remember that Hannah works at Caza Berry Farm, and this tunnel to my left was the tunnel you slide down at the beginning of the haunted house. I thought that this is the summer, and they must only be selling berries. I looked to my right to see a table of mixed fruits and berries in packages, with a crowd of people around it, and it all seemed to just pop up when the thought entered my head.
I approached the table, curious as to what kind of berries they were, but found it too difficult to read the signs and became quite frustrated.
This is where things took an awful turn, to say the least. Apparently at my frustration and boredom, I found myself on George Street, I think on the block where Bluestreak is on. Hannah was there, and again I questioned why I loved her. I turned my head away and back again, and she is Joe. I am surprised, and feel tricked. I wish that this was Joe, because I wanted to tell him of the strange house and how high I was feeling, and the fraternity boys and Hannah...but I look at his face and something tells me I should not speak a word of honesty to him.
A taxi cab pulls over, asks me for the time. I look at my watch, but I can't make out the numbers under the streetlight, so I tell him I don't have a watch. With a grin, he hands me a clock with hands. I look at it, to find that I can see it perfectly clearly, but the numbers aren't real, don't make sense, and the arms are at impossible angles. Instantly, I panic. I turn to Joe, who is frozen like a statue, and nothing else around me seems to move. I break into the wedding store directly behind me, whose lights are on, and I approach the lightswitch with panic in my chest. I flip the lights off, but nothing occurs. I try again, but nothing happens. I realize that I am dreaming. I remember the two concretes of Lucid Dreams; you can never read the time, and you cannot control lights. I start to freak out. I don't know what to do. I turn around, run out of the store, and all the cars are missing their front wheels, but are suspended perfectly in mid-air as if they still had them. I stop, I try to calm down. I realize that I am Lucid dreaming, and that I can control everything. I can create whatever I want, go anywhere I want, see anyone I want. ...But I don't know how. Not only that, but I can't think of anything to do. I'm too scared, to overwhelmed to think of anything. I tried something small, I don't remember what, but it failed, and I started to really worry. I could hear the fan in my room, spinning away, and I could feel the pillow pressed against my chest, but I was not there. I remembered that once, as I child, I had figured out that I could wake myself by shaking my head, so I did.
I lay in bed, open my eyes, a sense of relief. I get out of bed, and walk to the bathroom. It is morning. I look into my parents room as I pass, and see that they are not there. I stop for a moment, and have the same feeling that nothing exists past my own gaze, that I have to create everything, will it to happen. Afraid, I run back to my room and look at the clock to see a jumble of numbers once again. I look out the window to see all the cars missing their front wheels, suspended in air perfectly. I run to lights, which are on, and flick the switch. Nothing.
I scream, as loud as I can, terrified. I think of what to do, I can't. I have no clue. I pick up some ice cream, chocolate, that has suddenly appeared on my desk. I desperately start stuffing it in my mouth, to find that it tastes delicious. I also find that I actually need to let it melt in order to swallow it. It was real in every sense of the word, it was even slowly melting in the bowls, but I knew that it was not. Unable to deal with this, and absolutely terrified, not knowing what to do with this power or how to control it, I shook my head once again, to find myself in bed.
I open my eyes, afraid. I can hear the fan, coming from exactly where it should be, as I am in bed. My pillow is tightly clutched to my chest, and I release it, only the sensation remains. I look at one of my two clocks, the analog one, and find I can't read it. I am in such a state of panic that I cannot describe. I think that I may not wake up, and the thought crosses me that I am dead, except that I really can hear my fan going, and I really can feel the pillow against my chest. I cannot understand though, why these sensations are real, and everything else that had occured to me was not. It all seemed real, followed the laws of everyday life, felt, tasted, smelled, resembled, was just as real as real. Once again, I shook my head, harder this time.
I open my eyes, afraid. I can hear the fan, coming from exactly where it should be, as I am in bed. My pillow is tightly clutched to my chest, and I release it...It feels okay. I look at the clock...2:40!!! Twenty minutes after I had put my book down, only it seemed like months ago. I get up, and check all the lights in my room, to find that they work. I sit down, incredibly scared, and start typing.
Still, I do not know if I am awake, but I will be really pissed off if I'm not, because I just spent over an hour writing this. Now, I am going to have a cigarette and read for a few hours, until the sun comes up, and then, once the comfort of the sunlight and the calm of the birds chirping starts, I can get a few hours of sleep, because I am shit terrified of going back to sleep right now,
Only, I'm really angry at myself. I always wanted to really experience a lucid dream, only I found myself, in complete awareness, mortally terrified and unaware of what to do. A deer in headlights. This time in my dream, I remembered to check the clocks and lights, or rather, that nasty cab driver forced it onto me, so that I realized that I was dreaming. Now, I have to think of what I want to do in one of these dreams, so that next time I can figure out how to do it. And maybe, if I can master that, I can then figure out why...