Thursday night was Vodka Paralyzer Night at the CBC bar in Chattanooga ,TN.  The Vodka Paralyzers came in pitchers and they only cost $6 so we'd buy 'em 3 at a time and drink them with straws. I bet it never occured to you that 4 20-something year old boys can drink an entire pitcher of alcohol in 30 seconds. But it's true. After a few of those I went to the bar and one of my freinds bought me a Jamaican 151 rum shooter which I put down my throat without hesitation and it exited through my nose. Ouch. I'll never do that again. Apparently I can't drink 151 dark rum - my body rejects it.

Later that night I went to the washroom. I stood in front of the urinal trying to piss and swaying like I was standing on the deck of the Queen Mary in rough seas as something struck me as odd. The mind spoke to me - "Doesnt urine hitting porcelain make a sound?" He may be drunk, but he's right, I thought. When I looked down I noticed something else was missing - urine. Suddenly I realized my pants were much heavier and... hot?

Oh no. I opened the door, but I forgot to take the car out of the garage!

Picture this - My blue jeans were now black and soaked all down the front from belt to boot cut. At that moment I did what any normal person would do - I grabbed a whole bunch of paper towels and started rubbing. This is going to take a lot of paper towels, I thought. I decided that if anyone came in I'd better be in a stall than out in the open.

I think I was in there for about 20 minutes still rubbing with the paper towels when Scott came in. "What the Fuck are you doing in here!" he said. 

I said, "I'm sick. I'll be out when I can, now fuck off!" Then the bastard kicked the stall door open and I didnt know if he could see my soaked jeans. There was silence for a moment and I thought it was all over. shovel and broom time. I was never going to live this down. 

"You got 5 minutes. We're going to another bar."

About 10 minutes later Ken came in. " C'mon! We're leaving."

"ya, ya. I'll be right out."

Another 10 minutes went by and Paul entered the washroom. "Hey,  what's the problem? We're leaving."

"Ya, I'll be right out," as I rubbed with the paper towels.

Another 10 minutes later and Mia came in. " what's wrong, honey?"

"Ah, Mia," I said. "I need you to go upstairs for me and grab me another pair of pants - I puked on these."

I gave her the keys and she went upstairs and came back and gave them to me. Thanks Mia! They all left to the other bar and I went upstairs to our appartment. 

When I walked in the door the other fella named Scott who was staying with us all the way from New Foundland was there. He was on the balcony smoking a joint. "Hey,  Come smoke this with me." I resisted for a while, but finally gave in. When we went back inside we played Playstation for a few minutes and then the world went all wierd on me. The mind spoke to me, "Soy el gato grande! Véale en infierno!" I had no idea. But my mind was obviously somewhere else blowing kisses to the crowd and seeing Elvis in the super market.

I went to the bathroom in our appartment to splash some water on my face. In front of the sink my legs turned to rubber so I sat down on the toilet. Slowly my body became paralyzed and I couldn't move but a hand under the water running in the sink. I decided I needed to get into the shower. At first all I could do was wiggle my hand under the water in the sink. But after about 3 hours (seriously) I was still sitting on the toilet and I had my shirt off. Scott knocked on the bathroom door - "Hey, man you pretty fucked up eh? Shouldn't have smoked that joint."

I think I murmmured something back to him that vaguely sounded like - Fuck you bastard.

The plan was to lean forward and slide off my pants. I'd probably land on the floor, but from there I could turn on the shower and crawl in. My nose stilled burned from the rum. A shower is exactly what I needed. I leaned forward, pulled down my pants and fell forward face first onto the floor. That was the last thing I remembered. They found me the next day laying on the bathroom floor, totally naked and drooling all over the tiles. The moral of the story is... Once You piss your pants its time to call it a night!