Dear Alcohol,

 
 First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
 friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
 cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays,
 hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
 endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
 intentions.
 While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
 that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
 
 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
 question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
 takes place after 2 a.m.
 Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they
 do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
 night?
 
 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
 eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
 stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
 cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
 went too far this time.
 
  3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need do more
 yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
 causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
 marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
 
 Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
 door key into the lock.
 
  4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
 I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
 order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
 entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
 vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
 face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should
 be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
 
 Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
 ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
 stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
 just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
 continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
 above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
 Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
 continue this fruitful partnership.
  
Thank you,

 One of your biggest fans… EggOnlyEggNog…..