Viz magazine's top tips

These are TOP TIPS sent in to Viz magazine by their loyal readers, does anybody have their own tips?

FOREIGNERS. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5.30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snail's pace while texting everyone back home.


HOMELESS people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog.


GOD. Annoy cyclists by making sure that the wind is blowing in their faces whatever direction they cycle in. For added entertainment, make sure the wind is blowing from behind as people leave the hairdressers.


MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."


PORNOGRAPHERS. When positioning your centrefolds, try to avoid putting the staples directly over the models' genitals. Not only are they what we've paid to see, it also looks somewhat uncomfortable for the young ladies concerned.


SUBMARINE designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.


HUSBANDS. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife.


SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.


RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.


THEATRE NURSES. If the surgeon you work with is called Simon, brighten up mundane procedures by refusing to pass any equipment to him until he uses the prefix "Simon Says". Remember even when he shouts "Give me the ligature, this child is DYING?!" he's probably just trying to get you out.


DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.


PARENTS. Half a cocktail stick with a blob of nail varnish on the end makes an ideal "safety match" that your children can play with without the risk of setting fire to anything.


QUEENS. If a large jewel falls out of one's sceptre, it can easily replaced with a pear drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.


MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.


BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.


TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.


GENTLEMEN. Avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the 'Black Hole' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.


ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives' tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.


OIL companies. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.


ESTATE agents. Please look up the words luxurious, stunning and spacious in a dictionary so as I don't have to spend my weekends being shown around badly-built shoeboxes.


DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.


EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.


BASEBALL cap manufacturers. Save the wearer the bother of turning your caps round by putting the peak on the other side.


PARENTS Each week count the contents of your cutlery drawer. This way you can quickly identify if any spoons or knives have gone missing that could potentially be used to administer illegal drugs or commit violent crime.

Uploaded 06/08/2008
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