I've recently decided to re-enter the election for president of the galaxy. When elected, I promise the following:
-To do something about the sun. Specifically, how hot and bright it is.
-To increase diplomatic relations with Saturn, and set up trade agreements so that they can get the salt they desperately need and in turn we can get diamonds on the cheap.
-To set up defensive perimeter stations that orbit the planet and shoot down any asteroids that would otherwise make life unpleasant for all of us. (See: What happened to all the dinosaurs?)
-To do something about my neighbor that shares my driveway, and always seems to pull in behind me when I'm trying to unload groceries, then proceeds to lay on her horn and get all impatient because I'm forcing her to sit on her ass for another minute while I take my bags in the side door. It's on my property, bitch! I wouldn't even be letting you use it if the city didn't make me!
-To kick-start an initiative that will let the Plutonians know how sorry we are for deeming their homeworld "not a real planet."
-To strengthen our military when the Plutonians attack us upon discovering we even exist, let alone didn't even consider them a planet.
-To buy UgDork a beer.
-To go on at least three (3) drunken tirades a year, during which I appropriate an obscene ammount of money to a ridiculous cause that will never benefit anyone, i.e. the "Crossbreed the HIV virus with the flu to make it airborne and easily transmittable" foundation.
-To make ammends for said tirades once I sober up by having them build a new Disney World somewhere. Maybe Mars?
-To protect your right to free air, and veto any air taxes that are proposed.
-To accidentaly sign one of those air tax proposals while severely inebriated, mistaking it for someone asking for my autograph.
-To lower air taxes for the middle class.
-To get science to quit working on stupid shit like square watermelons and get to work on something important. (See: Where the fuck are our jetpacks and lightsabers?)
As always, your continued support in the polls is appreciated. If there are any major issues I missed, don't hesitate to let me know.