What I miss more than anything

I miss my wife.  I don't miss that toxic fucking person that's ruining my kid's lives without lifting a finger to try to solve the problems she has with me.  I miss the wonderful person whom I was, just months ago, crazy insane in love with.  I miss the way we used to talk.  I miss sharing things with her.  I used to show her all the kitten videos on this shitty website.  I miss hearing her say "Awwwwww..." at their cuteness.


But that's not what I miss most.


I might have mentioned I have high libido.  I'm not bragging (much).  It's just the way I am.  Caligula would wrinkle his nose at my libido.


To me, with somebody I love, the sexual act is like a communion.  The attention I pay to my partener to gauge their response, the way I respond to arousal myself, and the erotic dance of the act is, to me, one of the ways I show how much I care for somebody.  It's also one of the ways that I feel loved BY somebody.  Love making in a tender fashion, animalistic fashion, or disorganized frenzy are all legitimate expressions of love and affection.  I love the moment when both bodies kind of merge into one act, like an elaborate dance.  I miss that very much.


But that's not what I miss most.


What I miss most is touching.  Simply holding my partener, stroking her skin or hair, her body leaning against mine, me putting tender kisses on the side of her neck, an embrace pulling part of her body into mine, and her sigh of contentment.  Knowing that she feels calm and safe, relaxed.  The smell of clean (but not too clean) hair.  The warm smoothness of her skin.  The curve of her waist, right above her hip.  Just the casual feeling of closeness, warmth, and comfort is something I cherish.


That's something I don't have anymore, somebody to share touch with.  I can, tonight, find somebody to fuck.  It would be great, thrusting, pounding, release with orgasms to be had by all.  Yet I am totally unmotivated.  Masterbation is a fair substitute for thrusting, pounding release.  There's no analog to masterbation for sharing a mutually tender touch with somebody.  I can't FAP out something tender that I can share with somebody. 


I can't get what I need from any swinging connection I've made.  All I can get is laid.  I am strangely unmotivated to get laid.


I miss somebody I feel safe with.  I miss somebody I can talk to about anything.  I miss somebody to touch and be touched by.  I miss being tender, not primal.

Uploaded 03/31/2011
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