I was crossing over into the States yesterday, so I had to go through customs. Apparently I look like the kind of person who has cocaine and ectasy stuffed throughout my car. Officer asks me all sorts of questions. It went something like this:

Officer: Ever been arrested?

Me: No.

Officer: Really?

Me: Yes really, never been arrested.

Officer: Are you sure? Cause, if you like, well, you know. It might be fun.

Me: Um, yeah man I'm good. Back in Canada, Tyeada gave me what I needed.

Officer: Who's car is this? I really dig the back seat upholstery.

Me: Ah? Yea, thanks. It's my car.

Officer: Pretty nice car for someone your age. What do you do for a living? Are you currently open for business?

Me: I work two jobs. One as a manager for a grocery store, and one as a pornographic designer.

Officer: Ever buy or sell drugs over international borders?

Me: No!

Officer: Too bad, the boys and I need to score. Calvins hurting real bad.

Me: Seriously? I told you I was clean. I've never had trouble crossing before and I always go over with this car. I go over at least 3 or 4 times a month sir. Never had trouble.

Officer: Well, today's your lucky day. Pull your car into customs, turn the ignition off and step inside the building.

Great. Customs literally tore my ass apart piece by piece looking for some sort of fucking drug to bust me for. This took over 3 hours by the way. So there I am, bent over in the customs office detained. Then after all was said and done, I didn't even get a fucking thank you! They didn't even put my rectum back together properly! It was all flimsy and shit! Fuck man!

And here's a tiny piss off here:

Have you ever seen those Home Depot or Lowe's commercials on TV? The ones where the employee gives the customer a one-on-one lecture about how to do the job? Yeah why doesn't that happen in reality? I went to Home Depot over the weekend to buy some supplies. I didn't know exactly how to do it, so I asked for some advice...fucking store employee gives me a 10 second lecture, turns around, walks away. Nice job jackass. So I go to another employee, same story. Then I decided to go to Lowe's instead, no difference.  Thanks for your help assholes. Can anyone out there tell me what it I need to safely hang a five hundred pound nympho from a basement ceiling? Seriously, Fuck!