When I Rule the World

So the other day my friend and I came up with an  idea for ranting. They have been done before but him and I take it to a new level. They are called the 'When I Rule the World' rants and they are grossly unfair and judgemental of those they are directed at simply for the sake of ranting and getting angry feelings and throughts off your chest. It is also meant for a comical purpose as well, so laugh it up. None are to be taken seriously, and some of you will think about it and maybe agree that if you had a chance to rule the world you'd do the same thing.


When I rule the world, when I am driving on the road NO ONE is allowed to drive but me.


When I rule the world, I will drop a bomb on the middle east after moving out the hand full of people that actually like us.


When I rule the world, I will assassinate every individual who ever got into politics. Politicians are all scum.


When I rule the world, everyone may audition to be my court Jester, but that may end up going to Robin Williams by Default.


When I rule the world, I will reincarnate Hitler as raccoon and run him over AFTER shoving a pineapple up his ass (Props to Little Nicky for that one)


When I rule the world, Speed bumps are illegal and any who makes them or tries to mandate them under my authority will be punished by a horrid painful death.


When I rule the world, Padestrian Right-of-Way goes right-out-the-window. Some stupid bitch wants to walk right out in front of a moving mass of metal they deserve to get made into street pizza. The families of the victims of padestrian fatalities can sue the motorist for 5 dollars if it makes them feel like justice is being served, but then they must take that 5 dollars in the form of pennies and shove them up their ass.


When I rule the world, Pizza will become the trademark food of the world...because there's no food better than Pizza.


When I rule the world, rap music is outlawed. There shall be towers established where rocket launcher armed soldiers shall be stationed on the lookout for loud booming sound systems. The policy for these rocket launchers is shoot first, shoot second, shoot third, oh and never ask questions. Rap is one element of music and that alone is not music, thus it is forever banned. Anyone caught listening to rap shall be condemned to solitairy confinement to the loudest Heavy Death Metal we can find until their ear drums explode and their eyes melt out of the sockets.


When I rule the world, Hip hop is outlawed. It's just awful. It's rap tring to be music and it sucks.


When I rule the world,  Country will only be played when I am not in ear shot. There's enough 'good' country that doesn't sound like White Trash that I will let it be around for a while.


When I rule the world, Gangbangers will be publicly castrated if not publicly executed following the castration. Castration shall be performed with a Spork.


When I rule the world, every psyche ward and looney bin gets shut down and all of the patients get herded into a giant fenced area (props to George Carlin for this idea) and they will be given various items and placed in various scenarios and placed on pay per view as entertainment for the world until their own demise.


When I rule the world, there shall be another genocide. We are long overdue for another phase of 'Natural Selection', except done right this time and select candidates that are true idiots this time around.


When I rule the world, anyone given an Honorable mention on the 'Darwin Awards' Site shall be executed by a firing squad. We shall then process their award, cram their dead ass into a cigar box with the award, and then drop their dead ass in the dump where stupid shit belongs.


When I rule the world, I will be given absolute control of the internet. Anyone who sends a spam letter shall suffer dismemberment of no less than one major limb. Anyone who starts something with 'DO NOT READ THIS' or something similar (at my discretion of course) Will be executed by an axe to the head...a very dull axe...I figure it should take 2 or 3 good WHACKS to get it in there.


When I rule the world, Ebaumsworld shall be forgiven of all copyright and infringement charges. Because I am sick and tired of everyone trashing him for stealing shit. All he did was bring it to one place and that place is my one stop shop for media other than sometimes youtube and google video. I like it, leave it the HELL alone.


When I rule the world, I shall ordain Bruce Willis as my Second in Command.


When I rule the world, Sisqó gets executed by any way the executioner finds appropriate.


When I rule the world, Flava flav gets executed by being pummeled with that wall clock he wore as a necklace one time, and then if that doesn't work his head shall be removed with a jigsaw.


When I rule the world, Barney the Dinosaur (and everyone involved with the inception of that stupid, insipid reptile) get beaten with 2x4s with railroad spikes. No medical treatment allowed afterward.


When I rule the world a similar fate of the barney crew shall happen to the teletubby crew as well as the Bananas in Pajamas and the Big Comfy Couch. These are just a few of the blights of my childhood that I was subjected to.


When I rule the world, George Carlin will be resurrected and made my Second in Command and Royal Advisor should Bruce Willis fail his job.


When I rule the world, there will be a vaccine made for ice cream headaches and everyone gets it for free.


When I rule the world, I will break a foot off in the asses of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly. The new world is not going to need loudmouthed obnoxious war mongering whackjob shitbags. You're next Quinn and Rose (local right wing talk show)


When I rule the world, the FCC shall be decommissioned and those that operated it sold to slavery or to the zoo to be raped by Gorillas.


When I rule the world all rapists shall be sodomized with a broom handle and then it shall be broken off on climax. No surgery allowed for the removal of said splintered appendage. If the inflicter of such punishment manages to impale the victim with a shard of handle in doing so, they are hereby rewarded with a cookie.


When I rule the world, Napolean Dynamite is banned, and Jon Heder will die in a car fire for real this time.(Special thanks to Thilo from for the hoax/idea).


When I rule the world, Hipocrits will be beaten like baby seals.


When I rule the world, Tom Cruise will be put in his place and stay there like a good little boy, or be beaten like a baby seal. Any scientologist/egotist who gets as loudmouthed as him shall suffer the same fate two fold.


When I rule the world, companies ARE allowed to discriminate if such discrimination legitimately effects their ability to perform said job. I would give examples but I am sure everyone knows what I mean. Anyone who threatens to sue over discrimination shall be handed over to the zoo to be gang raped by Gorillas.


When I rule the world, Adultery is punishable by gang rape by Horses and then Death if such has not already come to pass. Death shall be carried out by repeated shotgun blasts up the ass with a sawed off double barel.


When I rule the world, Chuck Norris shall be ordained by Enforcer of policies and be a Royal Advisor should the resurrected George Carlin be unable to fulfill such duties.


When I rule the world, substituting real english with letters, or 'l33t' speak is banned and outlawed. Anyone caught doing so will get a boot in the ass from Chuck Norris and thus have to lay down to take a shit. Second offenders will have their colon removed so they can truly live in a world of shit like the people that have to read their garbage. Third time offenders will be gang raped by babboons. Fourth time offenders will be executed by firing squad.


When I rule the world, Trailer Trash will be chemically neutered/sterilized. No more welfare babies, bitch. Failure to comply results in being sodomized with Jay Leno's Chin.


When I rule the world, all members of NAACP get thrown off of the top of Mount Everest butt naked. Any survivors get gangraped by elephants.


When I rule the world, Turn signals are required. End of story. If you don't use a turn signal other motorists have the right to run you off the road (Special thanks to Shoot Em Up for the idea!)


When I rule the world a certain number of motorists (at my discretion) will be authorized to drive tanks to take out SUVs on sight, as well as people who drive under the very liberal minimum speeds that shall be posted on every road.


When I rule the world, all people are allowed to carry guns. Criminals simply have to carry smaller guns as per their offense.


When I rule the world, Anyone who answers a cell phone in a movie gets shot from anyone carrying a gun (everybody) without fear of punishment.


When I rule the world, Sex and the City is banned and everyone, including the dried up hag Sarah Jessica Parker, are to be executed following being gang raped by machetes.


When I rule the world, there will be no such thing as an illegal operation on computers. That shit is going to correct itself or I will gather every geek in the world to 'illegal operate' Bill Gates in the asshole with a big rubber dick, the break it off and beat him with the rest of it (props to Carlin for that one).


When I rule the world, smoking in closed in places is illegal. You can take your 'butt' outside, asshat. Go clog your own lungs all you want, don't bring that shit in my space. I'd be better off giving the muffler of my car a blowjob than sitting next to some of you. YOU FUCKING SMELL! Everyone caught smoking and bothering another person will be tied down and burned with lit cigarettes until skin graphts are necessary, and then will be denied for them. Then they will be gang raped by porcupines. If we wanted to sit next to your smoke spewing ass we'd live in chimneys.


When I rule the world, the world's one and only language is English, end of story.


When I rule the world, Gap and Old Navy will be shut down and those that run them shall be burned at the stake using the copies of their stupid faggot commercials as fuel for the fire.


When I rule the world, anyone who has a dog that insists on jumping on everyone they see will be put down with the mongrel mut. I don't hate dogs, just beligerant owners who don't train their muts.


When I rule the world, anyone riding a motorcycle can be run over at any given time by something with 4 or more wheels.


When I rule the world, motorcycles will be rigged to explode if their noise output gets over a certain level that I consider other words anything that attracts my attention.


Well, I got a laundry list more of these but have run out of time. More to come later. Hope you liked them.

Uploaded 08/07/2008
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Tags: rant