Where I almost die from a pill in my nose

In my first semester at University of Texas, I was living in Jester Dorm. At the time, Jester was the biggest co-ed dorm on Earth. Jester dorm was a zoo. I almost got kicked out of school due to a combination of poker, hearts, spades, and pussy. The dorm was a huge, seemingly untapped resource for people who didn't know shit about cards but wanted to play for money. I had gotten up early to study for a chemistry test. I had to pass the test in order to pass the class for the semester. Missing classes had left me with narrow margins for passing.

I had caught the clap from being promiscuous (boning anything that moved). This was the late 80s so we were pretty ignorant about HIV and condoms werent commonly used. I had a raging case. Urine felt like molten lava. I'm not a dumbass, at the first sign of symptoms I was down at the Student Health Center (The Quack Shack) to get some antibiotics. The strain of clap going around on campus had gotten resistant to common antibiotics, so I was prescribed some serious shit to kill it. The capsules were huge and gave me terrible heartburn and stomach upset. While doing last minute studying for my test (it started in a couple hours), I attempted to swallow dry one of the giant capsules, too lazy to get up and get a drink. It got stuck in my throat and I started to choke on it.

After choking and coughing for a while, I got myself under control. The pill was no longer in my mouth or throat, so I assumed it had been swallowed. This was a mistaken assumption. I had actually hawked the pill up into my maxillary sinus below my eyes adjacent to my nose. This was done in a similar way to children laughing milk out of their noses. The gelatin of the pill caused it to stick to the inside of the moist sinus cavity and sit there like a time bomb. Oblivious to my predicament, I continued to study. About an hour later, noticing some irritation, I snorted my nose hard, as if to expectorate. The capsule, now with the gelatin mostly dissolved, opened up in my sinus. The pain was excruciating. My nose immediately swelled shut and the drainage I snorted out was so foul tasting that it made me gag and vomit. The color of the drainage was a bright yellow green, like a new tennis ball. It poured out of my mouth and hung in streamers from my nose. It seemed like there was an infinite supply of it.

Now, at this point, if you'd asked me, I couldnt even tell you if I'd remembered to take my antibiotic. It didn't even occur to me what my problem might be. I was in my dorm room, kneeling in front of my sink, hemorrhaging greenish-yellow shit out of my nose and mouth. I couldn't breath. Between the swelling in my nose, the gagging, and the copious amounts of goo pouring out of my mouth, I was suffocating. As my vision was dimming and my lips turning visibly blue, in a detached way I wondered what kind of physiological process could be responsible for so much brightly colored goo. Then I cut loose with a mighty sneeze. In addition to a handful of tissue and yellow goo, there was a bluish-orange glob of something in what came out with the sneeze. Then I remembered my antibiotic was in a blue and orange capsule. My mystery was solved, but I was still worried that I might die.

I hacked out as much goo as I could, to clear the deck, and literally crawled to my telephone. I dialed "911." In the dorm, you have to dial 9 to get an outside line. In order to call Austin EMS, youd have to dial "9... 911." So I called The Quack Shack by accident. Through my gagging, vomiting, and hacking, I managed to get a doctor on the phone. "Gurk... gag... bwark... gug.. pill-in-my-nose... gurk." When I told the doctor the name of the prescription, he looked it up in his PDR (physicians desk reference). He told me I had a serious problem (as if I didnt know). Apparently there were instructions for treatment if the capsule opens in the esophagus (which is a serious problem). There were no provisions for a dumbass getting one stuck up his nose and in his sinuses. The doctor told me I had to come in immediately.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I needed an ambulance. My dorm was on 21st street and The Quack Shack was on 26th street. There was no way I could walk that far in my condition. In my addled state, I chose to ride the student shuttle bus. I sat at the bus stop, shirt covered with yellow goo, vomiting in a puddle at my feet. Brightly colored streamers of mucus hung from my nose like an infernal rainbow. Nobody offered to help. Nobody even looked directly at me. They averted their eyes in disgust. I didn't even hear anybody say, "Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with that guy?" Even when I was actually on the bus, nobody offered assistance, but I did get a seat all to myself. Even the driver ignored me like there was nothing out of the ordinary. This is even though it was impossible for me to be quiet and I was still kind of suffocating. In between my gagging, in an effort to breathe, I was getting a lot of air in my stomach due to a compromised airway. So I'd hack and gag, then in the midst of vomiting, Id let loose with a giant, prolonged burp.

When I got off of the bus, I staggered into The Quack Shack. The doctor I spoke to made my problem sound so serious, I assumed that somebody would be waiting for me and I'd get some help. I was wrong. It happened to be Halloween and the employees were all in costume. I staggered up to an attractive girl at the front desk dressed as a pirate, bright snot hanging like ropes out of my nose: "Gurk... gag... bwark... gug.. pill-in-my-nose... gurk." In a serious and professional manner she said, "wait right here, I'll get somebody." She then ducked into a back room.

Seconds later I hear four or five people bust up laughing and one at a time smurphs, elves, and witches peeked their heads around the corner to see the dumbass with a pill stuck up his nose.

When I finally saw the doctor, they had to give me a "nasal douche." They lay me on my side, I held a bedpan below my nose, and they forced water up one nostril with a kind of douchebag. The water filled up my sinuses and poured out the other nostril. The continued doing this, alternating nostrils, until the fluids were more or less clear (although bloody). I suffered permanent damage to my nose. It still gives me trouble now 20 years later. I missed my Chemistry test and imagine the pleasure of explaining to my professor why I missed it. I had a doctors note, but I know he didnt believe me. Believe it or not, I still often dry swallow medication.

Uploaded 02/23/2009
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