Our hero was born in the back woods of Kentucky to a family of proud moonshiners. They lived in a simple 3 room shack in Hazzard County. On Saturday nights, when the others would pass out from the moonshine, our hero would sit by the radio, sip moonshine, and listen to The Louisiana Hayride and The Grand Old Opry. He dreamed of being a performer on one of the fabled stages.
Our hero was a lonely lad. In fact, some said that on occasion he was so lonesome he would cry. He had an imaginary Indian friend named Kaw Liga. They would play for hours in the woods running from the drifting cowboys. One Saturday night, our hero and Kaw Liga were listening to the Opry. A man came on and sang a song that struck every chord in our young hero's body. The song was Lonesome Whistle. He never forgot how it made him feel. Not long after that evening, our hero found out the man who sang that song had died while travelling to a show. The car was somewhere in Kentucky when that happened. Our hero decided to grasp life by the horns and do some honky tonkin'. He realized that no one gets out of this world alive.
Our hero grew up and idolized the son of the man who died in the backseat of that car. He moved to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. He learned to skin a buck and run a trot line. Our hero was living off the land and partying hard. He was drinking homemade wine and chewing Beechnut tobaccy. He even did a little work in the porno field, under the stage name Luke the Drifter. He was having fun. One Saturday night, he decided to drive into town and meet up with some of his rowdy friends. They had a too much fun. Our hero OD'd in Denver. After all his rowdy friends settled down, they took him to the hospital. The doctor came in and lectured our hero. Our hero just said, "Hey saw bones. Just leave me alone. Cause it's a family tradition." The doctor shook his head and left.
Our hero wandered over to the IHOP across the street to have some pie and coffee. He sat down and saw a beautiful waitress. He was mesmerized. She came over and took his order. He was nervous. Before she came back, he collected himself. He put on his hat and sunglasses and when she walked by to refill his coffee he said, "Hey good looking. What ya got cooking?" She giggled and said, "Nothing sugar." He retorted with, "Well how's about cooking something up with me?" She giggled again and went about her other customers. When she brought out his pie, he pulled out the big guns. He said, "Listen, tomorrow I'll be right back plowing, but tonight we're settin' the woods on fire!" She smiled and said, "I'll go get my coat." Our hero had that feeling again...the same one he had many years ago when he heard Lonesome Whistle. He knew he'd found something special. Our hero married the waitress and had three lovely daughters. He returned to the back woods of Kentucky. It was just the woman, the kids, the dogs, and him. A country boy can survive.
WHO AM I?