Who are the people in your Internet?

The Internet is full of netizens; people that have established a screen name and who have their own individual online personality. But just like any bar, some of them are very nice while others are outright poisonous. This is a short field guide to help you identify some of the more negative netizens you might see.

  • Big Big Bigot – The big big bigot hates all other races except their own, and loves the fact that the Internet gives them the anonymity to say what they want to where in the real world it would get them fired or arrested. Oddly enough, their first line of defense if called on this fact is to declare “I'm not a racist because I would have sex with (fill in the blank.)”
  • Content Creep – Lurking everywhere, the content creep takes sharing to the extreme. Yes, they know the Internet was designed to share content and ideas. But the way they twist that is to take someone else's content then pass it off as their own. They feel it's not enough to simply take credit for the work, but to completely obliterate credit to the original artist or researcher.
  • The Doppelgrabber - This jerk likes to pass himself off as someone he is not. They will claim that they are a teenage girl to get hit on. They will claim they are rich and famous to get noticed. They will claim they are you to try to get you in trouble. The only thing you can count on is that whoever they are they are not anybody at all.
  • Eximus Confuto Eruditio – This netizen knows everything. Or at least that's what they will tell you. Differs from the Content Creep because this person will give you an answer that is based only on their opinion or dogma but they will not use any real data in their results. However, they will try to convince you that their opinion is fact.
  • Gullible Gob - This netizen believes abesolutely anything and everything they see on the net. They believe that there is a lawyer in Nigeria who will give them money. They believe that UNICEF donates money to a kid for every e-mail he recieves. They believe that if they don't forward to at least ten friends that a gypsy curse will befall them. They believe a pill can make your penis bigger. They are the reason Spam exists.
  • Das Klienen Kwaadtroll – The Kwaadtroll or “angry little troll” is a netizen who is generally annoyed by the world, usually feeling that somehow they are “owed” something. Respect, reward points, website hits...whatever. They will go out of their way to try and annoy others as much as they feel it so that they can at least know that they are not alone in their pathetic little worlds.
  • Imperious Info Despot – Opposite of the Eximus Confuto Eruditio because they actually do know a lot. But instead of trying to help other people on the net with what they know they like to spend their time belittling everyone who doesn't know what they do. In their eyes, if you don't know the difference between an AR15, an XM15, and an M16 then you are obviously a stupid idiotic slug.
  • L33T Lamer – Has no idea what punctuation is and types everything either in lower case or capitals based on what they feel their personal style is. While the L33T Lamer does not have any preference as far as grammar and spelling, they are very strange because no matter how badly they use language you can't seem to get them to shut up.
  • The LOLIROFL – Thinks everything...absolutely everything...on the Internet and on television is entertaining. They love to see amateur clips of Jackass style stunts, really poor animation, and anything resembling a high-school fight. They are so fricking bored with the world that ennui has become entertaining to them.
  • Matronly Mallicemonger – These tend to be older women or men that act like old women. They were raised to believe that the world was one way and one way only and any change to it scares the crap out of them. Therefore, they will completely rag on anyone who doesn't believe in living, eating, worshiping, or having sex the way they do.
  • Pillaging Pissant – Loves to use their superior talent with computers to ruin other people's day. Favorite tricks involve attempts to load up another person's computer with viruses and trojans, denial of service attacks on websites, and erasing content for no good reason. This seems to entertain them more than actually doing something people would like, but no one knows why.
  • Le Sexistes Superbe – Often believing themselves to be god's gift to sexuality, they fault others (particularly the sex opposite their own) in an effort to make themselves look better. Interestingly, they don't seem to be as preoccupied with having sex as faulting other people about their own bodies or sexuality.
  • The Everlasting Noob – These creatures are twits that sit in front of a computer with only the most basic of knowledge how to use it. They have no idea what is actually inside that box on their desk, and barely know what a keyboard is for. They waste the time of more experienced netizens, because they refuse to actually learn anything that could help them overcome this.

Now that you know who these people are, anyone have some good ideas on how to avoid them without getting off the Internet altogether?

Uploaded 07/29/2008
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