Why I really broke it off with Lard Infamous.

Everything happened so fast.... the relationship that is.   I was going through some tough times because of Wallboy's leg humping, and the slew of STD's I contracted as a result.  When everyone avoided me and my quarantined life, Lard was there for me.  He gave me my freedom back, by planning an executing a grand escape from the hospital. He even cured me of the STD's I had, by allowing me to drink his nacho-cheese enriched blood, that carried pigeon-like immunities to everything under the sun.   It was love at first gulp.

Things were going good for some time.  I felt a genuine sense of purpose caring for Lard.  Cleaning debris from under his rolls, using my forklift to carry him around, and renovating his home by replacing the flimsy wooden wall studs and floor beams with steel I-Beams (it's the real reason I took up welding).  He was always very appreciative.  He did things for me that he simply wouldn't do for anyone else, like sharing some of his food, and moving his legs.

Truth is, I knew about the possibility of him ingesting me, before we started dating.  I saw it happen many times before.  Girl guides trying to sell cookies, pizza delivery guys that he couldn't see behind the pile of party-tray pizzas, and anyone standing in between him and the buffet tables. 
It got to the point where I was actually curious to see what it was like.  I didn't tell him, but it's the the real reason I spread chocolate all over myself that night. 

I did plan my adventure to an extent.  I knew there would be enough room to move around, and the fast food signs he ate would provide enough light for me to see where I was going.  I even threw a few supplies I knew I would need into his industrial ice cream hopper the night before, so they would be there for me when I got there. Rubber boots, gas mask, first aid kit, rope, the essentials.... Despite all of this I simply wasn't prepared for what I was about to see. 

Even now, I'm too traumatized to put everything into words.   It's going to take some time to come to grips with reality and share my experience...... I thought I could trust him...... Fuck!


For those who don't remember back to when I first fell in love with Lardy, here's some reads;

Uploaded 07/27/2011
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