Well hello bloggers of Ebaums! I have been patrolling the blogging section for a while, and was kind of inspired by (most of) what I saw. Since battling my frequent bouts of insomnia, and not really having an outlet besides copious amounts of booze, bad memories, regret, and tears (just kidding, not really, *wink*) I'd figure I would display all my pathetic, booze soaked, psuedu-misanthropic, glory with you all (if you would be so generous to permit it). So here it is, I'm busting my blog cherry, just for the blogging section of ebaums. Just...take me easy...ok ; ).
*WARNING. I was pretty drunk and passionate (synonyms in my mind) when I wrote this. This is pretty fuckin long. If you don't feel like wasting your time, I'd advise you to go elsewere*
Why I stopped smoking sweet marijuana -
While Im a sucker for good bourbon whiskey, cant see a pirate without getting a horrible craving for rum, look at a bottle of fine aged scotch like some hippy art major looks at a painting, smoke like Solid Snake and would die before giving up the godly gift of liquid sunshine commonly known as beer (good beer mind you, not that bong water my young douche-baggy peers pass of f as beer.) I havent had a toke of my old friend Mary Jane for quite some time now, and dont see myself calling the cute vixen back anytime soon. Mary and I had a lot of good times, for sure. A cure for my insomnia, hellish boredom, apathy and primal hatred. In the end however, it was in my best interest to break up with her.
Sure, I had to give her up anyway for the sake of my new(albeit annoyingly boring) job as a needle dicked door to door salesman for the spawn of Satan you know as AT&T, that aint the real reason I had to kick her. She made me think too damn much; not about the important, profound, spiritual shit all these damn hippies pathetically wax on about so much, but just about everything else. In throws of THC riddled Riddler-esque insanity and paraxody, Mary would open me up to my own fucked up and bizarre mind, swimming helplessly in a sea of thought running the gamut from morbid to cartoonishly innocent and naïve. As if I dont think too god damn much when Im sober, THC in my system was like giving an adrenaline syringe to clown on meth. My last soirée with Mary resulted in me pacing back and forth in my room at 5 oclock in the morning almost screaming to myself, HOLY SHIT, SERIOUSLY MAN, STOP FUCKING THINKING, MY BRAIN HURTS. In conclusion, lemme put some examples of some of the stupid shit that would swarm my head in such a high state, the mondain and often ridiculous ideas putting my conscious in a vice like grip for an hour or three. (For the sake of saving time, and because Im lazy, lets assume all of the below are in quotations
Hmmm, I wonder.are bushes small trees, or are trees big bushes?
Ok, you know those big cruise liners? The ones with the running toilets and everything? If one of the toilets on that boat started backing up and overflowing, technically, isnt that ship sinking?
Language is really fuckin weird when you think about it dude. Like really, all were doin is flapping our tongue against our mouths and making some guttural and primal sounds, and some how you take those sounds and your brain interprets those stupid meat flapping sounds into a word in your head..yeah man. Further more, how the fuck did language start? I mean body language is pretty simple, even animals do it; when you have an emotion, instinctually and automatically you have a reaction, like when I find something funny I laugh. So I know if you laugh, its because you found something funny, because Ive felt that before and I can relate. Butwhat the fuck, seriously, how did language start? A bunch of cavemen huddled around a fire and had a meeting? Ok guys, "unga unga boo means" that thing we use to kill the big fuckin beast we call a "unga booga ung". You got that guys? Seriouslywhat the fuck guys? Hey, somebody get me a beer. Oh my fuckin god guys,, who the fuck discovered beer?! How the fuck did they figure that shit out?!
Really, why is the drinking age 21? Do any of you guys know anyone who never had a drink under 21? For those who answered yes, how many of those people werent creepy , super religious types or strange busybodies? Thats what I thought, none. VIVA MEJICO! and...and IRELAND.and...um...Germany?
I never understood paying to go to a strip club. I mean, if its free then why not, but Ive heard of guys throwin down triple digits on that shit. Come on, why the fuck would you pay to get blue balls? I demand that all strip clubs be converted to brothels by 2012. I mean, hell, most of the strippers would be qualified for that kind of thing anyway. The strippers would be getting more money, and the country would get more money by taxing the brothels, everybody wins! Hey, what can I say, Im a patriot that supports single mothers.
Why the fuck is Vin Diesel always playing Italian roles? Nothing against the guy, I just know hes just proud of his European heritage. Hell, Im half Black, a quarter Scots Irish, and a quarter German; while I take pride in all my heritage, you dont see me auditioning to play William Wallace in the next Braveheart reboot...hmmm..that'd actually be pretty badass...must hire a promoter...must get better paying job to amass money to get promoter...FREEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
Ok, Clint Eastwood is insanely badass and all, we all know that, (at least you ought to know you commie son of a bitch. Just kidding...not really) but why does he always play the same character in every movie hes in?
All of his spaghetti westerns- Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
All the Dirty Harry movies- - Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
Joe Kidd- - Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
High Plains Drifter- - Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
Pale Rider- - Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
Unforgiven-- Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of shooting jackasses and making witty one liners.
Million Dollar Baby-- Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of making witty one liners and shooting jackasses if he could get away with it.
Gran Torino- Cunning, mysterious, smartass, angry white guy who is fond of making witty one liners and shooting jackasses if he could get away with it.
Ok people of ebaums, I think you get the idea. Forgive me for the long blog, Im kinda (more like very) drunk and tend to ramble on paper when intoxicated (another word for normal, in my fucked up logic) I wanted to write more, but I came to the very cold conclusion that most of you dont wanna hear anymore of what I want to say. I hope you fine people enjoyed this blog thingy. This is my first blog and hope it went over fine, and if it was a piece of shit, please give me some helpful criticism. If it aint helpful criticism, and your just being an obnoxious dickwell...thats what alcohol is for. Good night, or technically, good morning. Im going to see how drunk I can get and still jack off.