I've just recently had my wisdom teeth pulled.
For those of you who've never had the experience of waking up with a gas-powered saw ripping out your back teeth, I can assure you that it's breathtaking. Not only is the constant taste of your own blood filling up your mouth exquisite, but the painkillers can only be described as 'groovy'.
Bacardi 151 aint got shit on a hefty dose of Hydrocodone.
But as most of you have probably noticed, I bleed a lot in just about every one of my posts. The reason for this isn't because I think it'll make my bullshit story any more interesting than it already is (which it isn't), but because it's true. Whenever I start bleeding, be it from my nose, mouth, eyes, or asshole, I generally bleed a lot.
This is why I ran out of gauze about 5 hours after they were done ripping pieces of me out the back of my mouth. And the bleeding wasn't slowing down either. As a matter of fact, the bleeding was just as bad as before. I had to find something.
Let me tell you that tissues do effectively jack when it comes to bleeding, especially if you have to stick a wad of tissues in your mouth. It's pretty gross when you end up swallowing bits of blood-soaked pieces of tissue-paper. Toilet paper isn't any better either.
It was then that my mother, whose brilliance is comparable to the greatest minds in all history, told me to stick a tampon in my mouth.
I was a bit skeptical at first, since the idea of sticking a tampon in my mouth never crossed my mind.
But apparently, a tampon is nothing more than compact, sterilized gauze.... I just had to make sure there were no strings attached.
Before I go any further, I feel that I must offer some insight into the whole wisdom teeth thing for all those who haven't had the privilige of going through such a procedure. When you get your teeth removed, not only are you put under anaesthesia, but you're also given some pretty swell drugs. If it's been less than 24 hours after your surgery, I can assure you that you're going to be good and plenty drugged up, and your inhibitions are..... well........ gone.
Now, I want you all to picture something here: Imagine a lightweight standing in a bathroom with a box of tampons in his hand, furiously stuffing them into his mouth with the zeal and grace of a special olympic hurdler.
You got a good picture? Good, because then you can imagine how terrified I was while I watched that crazy bastard eat my mom's tampons.
Me, on the other hand, even with my lack of inhibitions I had to question the idea of sticking a tampon in my mouth. Look, I know it's clean, I know it was an emergency...... but the last thing I ever expected to put into my mouth was a product that was intended for my mother's vagina.
But still, desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the end I decided that sticking one tampon into my mouth seemed to be a lot less painful than having to go back to whoever it was that ripped open my mouth in the first place. So into my mouth it went, and I immediately passed out after. God knows, the lingering anaesthesia mixed with the painkillers will tucker a little tyke like me out.
Let's keep in mind, with guys like me, I like to sleep in just my boxers. Pajamas are for pussies. But when the doorbell rang and I realized that nobody else was home to answer it, I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to the door.
Sure enough, it just so happened that my ex-girlfriend was in the neighborhood and she wanted to know if there was any way she could make me feel better. We broke up for a reason. Many would suggest that we broke up because she's about as mentally stimulating as a fairly large rock. Others would say that we broke up because I went off to college while she was heading into her junior year of high school. But I say that we broke up because she's a bona fide psycho.
As tempting as her offer was, I had to decline since I didn't want to hear her rattle off some crappy poetry about how much she needs a loser like me to make her feel better about herself.
"Uh, look..... sorry, but my girlfriend is here. I can't." I told her.
Her confused look told me everything. Even better was her very large father coming out of the shadows to ask me: "Can't what?"
Her father hates me. Every day I see him, I pray that he doesn't rip my face off.
"What's the string coming out of your mouth, Matt?" He suddenly asked.
Oh shit. I forgot to take the fucking string off the tampon. How could I NOT notice that!?
"Uh.... just a piece of gauze, sir. Look, I don't think-"
"Since when do pieces of gauze have strings?"
"Look, I just want you guys-"
"Are you doing drugs? You know, that thing where you tie a string to a balloon and swallow it?" He suddenly blurted.
"Take that string out of your mouth, you little bastard." He growled.
That day, something told me I should've slammed the door in his face. But the wiseass part of me would let no such sensibility take hold. I grinned, opened my mouth, and pulled a blood-soaked tampon out.
It's ok, I didn't need my canines either......