Once upon a time I woke up. I get out of bed and check my cell phone for any messages. Sure enough there was one from my girlfriend. She asked me to come over to her house and babysit her six year old brother. (Let’s call the brother Timmy.)
I arrive at her house around 8:30 am. I come inside and my girlfriend and her mother are getting ready to go out shopping. She kisses me goodbye and tells me she won’t be long. They both leave and I go into the kitchen and make little Timmy and myself a bowl of Corn Pops. I go into Timmy’s bedroom to wake him up so he can get changed and have his breakfast.
After the breakfast we go into the living room and I decided to pop in a movie “The Land Before Time.” Big Mistake because I must have forgotten that in the middle of the movie Little Foot’s mother dies. Here I am gripping a pillow and trying my hardest not to cry. Little Foot says “Mommy? Wake up mommy.” Sure enough out comes the splash works. Timmy on the other hand doesn’t have a tear in the eye he just turns to me and says “wimp!” I just tell him to shut up.
Not long after the movie was done my girlfriend calls and tells me to drive Timmy and I to the World Wine Warehouse and meet them there. I get Timmy into the car and we are off. Thirty minutes later we arrive and greeted by my girlfriend’s father. He just so happens to own the wine warehouse. When we went inside the father looks at me and says. “For God’s sake don’t touch anything.” I just reply with “Yes sir!” He walks to the back to have is lunch outside with all the other employees. Timmy and I are left alone in the warehouse by ourselves. Timmy and I do some wine browsing. I noticed something interesting not all wine comes in a bottle it also comes in a bag. Timmy takes one bag out of the box and says “heads up.” Timmy squirts me in the face with wine. I then take a bag of wine and squirt the whole bag in his face. These leads to something like a water balloon fight but replace the water with wine. The more we hit each other with wine bags the drunker we got. Mind you I have an alcohol tolerance of a six year old so basically Timmy and I got drunk at the same time. It came to the point where we ran out of wine bags and just started throwing wine bottles at each other. We were just laughing hysterically at each other. We were both in what was a wine warehouse which is now a giant wine pool. Then we hear the bell calling back all employees back to work. My girlfriend’s father opens the warehouse door and well… Do you guys remember that scene in the movie “The Shinning” where the elevator doors open and all this blood comes out? Well it was just like that but red wine. True story I swear. Timmy and I ride out on a tidal wave of wine screaming “WEEEEEEEEE!!!” Guess who was outside? My girlfriend, my girlfriend’s mother and her father.
It was sure quiet at the dinner table that night. I thought I break the silence by asking the dad to pass the wine. Instead I got a punch in the face.