10. "I wanted to get my Christmas shopping done early"

9. "Used to smuggle drugs, but now everybody's into the Atkins diet"

8. "It seemed like a good idea when I was drunk"

7. "First I get caught mailing myself in a crate and now this"

6. "Rush Limbaugh has a new addiction"

5. "If I refused, Oscar Mayer was going to kill my family"

4. "I can't bring luncheon meats across the border? What is this, Russia?"

3. "Was just a decoy for the guy smuggling 800 pounds of olive loaf"

2. "How about I give you fifty pounds of bologna to make this whole problem go away?"

1. "It was medical bologna"