Three guys are leaving Arkansas after attending a friend’s funeral. They’re driving towards a bridge and are about to go over it when an inbred hick with a rifle jumps out from behind a bush and demands that they stop and get out of the car. The guys are scared shitless so they do as he says.

“So,” says the inbred fuck, “What are you fellas doing on a day like today?”

One of the guys, Ryan, explains, “We were just at a funeral for an old friend and we need to get back home. This bridge is the only way across and we really need to get out of here. C’mon man, let us through.”

The inbred feels a twinge of guilt at forcing them out of their car at gunpoint, but being from Arkansas, he still wants to rape them. However, just because he’s a sick fuck, he makes them a deal that he’s sure they’ll come up short on.

“Tell ya what,” he says. “If yer guys’ peckers all add up to be 20 inches long, I’ll let ya pass.”

They guys are really uncomfortable with this, but they want to get the hell out of Arkansas, so they agree. The toothless sister-fucker takes out a ruler and orders Ryan to drop his pants.

“Goddamn! Nine-and-a-half inches! Nice!” he cries. “Next.”

The next guy, Mike, walks up and drops his pants.

“Sheeeeeit! Another nine-and-a-half incher! This is muh lucky day!” the NASCAR lover exclaims.

Next is Braden’s turn, and Ryan and Mike are terrified. They figure there’s no way Braden’s dick could only be an inch long so they’re pretty sure that this crusty old coot is going to shoot them and then rape their corpses. However, they hear a long string of curse words, and see the coot is stomping up and down.

“Dag nab it! Ah don’t believe it! It’s the tiniest pecker Ah’ve ever seen!” the inbred fumes. “Well guys, Ah’m a man of mah word, so y’alls can pass.” The guys scramble into the car and get the hell out of there.

After driving down the road a ways, Ryan turns to his friends and says, “You know, you guys are lucky I have a nine-and-a-half inch long dick. If I didn‘t, I‘m sure that guy would be calling up his brother to help corn hole us.” Mike speaks up, “No, no. You guys should be lucky that my dick is so long. If it wasn’t, who knows what might have happened to us?”

Ryan and Mike both look at Braden, wondering what he’ll have to say. A few moments go by and finally Braden says, with a sheepish grin on his face, “You guys are lucky I had a boner!”