All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

One day I was sitting in the park wondering to myself why frisbees seem to grow larger...then it hit me.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.