Homemade Chili

"I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to
the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after
two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store
at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it
about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as
an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some
of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched
as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head
as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
"clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I
raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud
the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion
took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet
seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is
the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, " Oh h h h!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt
up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
"IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going
to have to repaint the store."
Uploaded 01/26/2009
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