Letter of Resignation

Dear Mr. Doe,
It saddens me to inform you of my resignation from this company. To be honest I was torn up about this decision for several months until I realized that I had no reason to be upset at all. The entire company (save myself), from the lowest echelons to the highest ranking authority is, without a doubt, the most unprofessional and incompetent that I have had the displeasure of working with. I attribute this, of course, to your moronic policy of hiring and promoting talentless relatives and their friends over more capable and loyal employees who have worked tirelessly for years without any sort of raise or prospect of upward mobility into management. And you have the nerve to wonder why our sales are always down! The work environment (if you can call it that, since almost no one does anything remotely productive) is a cesspool of maniacal, backstabbing ingrates who (again) put more effort into avoiding work than getting it done and OSHA health and safety violations. Last week I burned my hand on the company coffee machine which, upon further investigation, was revealed to have been banned in the United States since 1968. The week before that, we (the staff) were given expired hamburger meat in lieu of pay. The meat had been expired for seven days and was beginning to turn green. And on that note let me turn my criticism to you, Mr. Doe. Over the last four years I have watched you execute ethically and legally dubious stratagems in the name of decreasing the cost of running the company. This would not be at all unusual considering that since you inexplicable promotion to president of the company, our stocks have been steadily hurtling towards the ground and assured bankruptcy. And yet for all the furloughs, promises of back-pay, selling of company assets, and refusals to furnish your employees with decent equipment or paid leaves of absence, your personal thirst for ludicrously expensive personal possessions seems to be unquenchable. Yet what is worse is that instead of trying to justify this materialism through self-imposed raises or your own claims to your "accomplishments", you prefer to embezzle the company's money in order to use it as your own piggy bank.
With such a multitude of grievances, it is only natural that I should want to seek employment elsewhere. Indeed, I am glad that I am leaving at this juncture in time so as to not further chain myself to the mast of this sinking paper ship. I do not wish you the best of luck in your ventures, as luck would have no effect on a man who is willfully and successfully destroying a once prosperous and reputable company.

Your former employee,
Frank Wilkens
Head of Aquisitions


Fuck you and your incessant Chuck Norris jokes. No one ever thought they were funny.
Uploaded 01/03/2011
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