'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everyone was getting laid, even the mouse.
With Ma in her whore house and dad in jail,
I had just settled down for a nice piece of tail...

When out on the lawn, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my sister-in-law to see what was the matter.
I threw open the shudders and threw out the hash,
tripped over my boner and busted my ass.

And out on the lawn but what should appear
but a rusty ol' sleigh, and 8 fucking reindeer.
Out of the sleigh jumped a big, fat dick...
and I knew in an instant it must be St. Prick.

"To the top of the roofs, to the top of the walls,
on you bastards before I cut off your balls!"
He came down the chimney like a bat outta Hell,
and I knew for a fact the poor fucker had fell.

He filled the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
Then he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
that son of a bitch, he blew the damn thing apart!

And he cursed and he swore as he rode out of sight,
"Fuck you all, I've had one hell of a night!"