--Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads--

40-ish: 49
Adventurous: Slept with EVERYONE
Athletic: No Tits
Average Looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological Liar
Contagious Smile: Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure: On Medication
Feminist: Fat
Free Spirit: Junkie
Friendship first: Former very "friendly" person
Fun: ANNOYING
New Age: Body Hair in the wrong places
Open-Minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk
Professional: Bitch
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Large Frame: Hugely Fat
Wants Soul Mate: Stalker


--Women's English--

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you'll pay for it later
9. I am not upset = of course I'm upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you think about?

--Men's English--

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice Cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you wanna have sex?
7. May I have this dance = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you some time? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm Gay...

--Finally--

If a woman is complaining about menstrual cramps, periods, child birth, and back pain due to large breasts, retort by saying, "Well, that's what you all get for eating the Apple..."