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Company Policy

Dear Staff:

Please see the following regarding clarification of company policy:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bad we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Employee Relations Department
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