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Everybody Farts

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THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart.


THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It
is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be
concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud.
But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around
in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?


THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort
of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that
has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.


THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to
have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly
common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.


THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it
can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike
the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently
held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go
right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.


THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world
of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no
point in describing this far any further.


THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter
is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push
their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and
ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.
Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.


THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart
that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.


THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is
not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second
tone. Like an echo.


THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have
not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the
most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.


THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to
be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.
You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that
only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something
that happens to smell like a fart.


THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at
the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no
reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old
person's fart as there is.


THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a
single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart.


THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.


THE LEAD FART: The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart
that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could
be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And
never guess.


THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls.
No other food works this way. It is rare.


THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of
all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh
My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first
want to say, oh ****, which would be understandable.


THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About
the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will
just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to
spot if you pay attention.


THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The
person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food
he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may
even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells.
It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in
agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.


THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you
fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you
have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.


THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its
pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all
farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a
sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is
its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will
sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the
wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for
at least fifteen seconds.


THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters
is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted.
Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.


THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known
to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of
its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is.
It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day
in some instances.


THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible
for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make.
The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier
if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.


THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no
doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of
identification with this one.


THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not
amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and
scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.


THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter.
Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric
skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very
impressive. Not too common.


THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim
it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The
Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows.
This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles
windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or
blow his crazy head off.


THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It
is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a
fart at all.


THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a
very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound
is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW… It is
usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and
only gets farted after considerable effort.


THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied
than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes
hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around
after, too, even on a windy day.


THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all.
A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all.
You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind
is right he will never know.


THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart.
You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone.
Then you get out of there.


THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to
identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled
this is the fart for you.
bmintz8 Uploaded 02/19/2010
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