Your "best"! Losers always whine about their "best"! Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. - Sean Connery

If im not back in five minutes...wait longer. - Jim Carrey

As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. - Mike Meyers

At the bottom of my gut, with every inch of me, I plain, straight hate you. But dammit, do I respect you! - Vince Vaughn

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. - Steve Martin

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. - Groucho Marx

The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. - Will Rogers

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? - Steven Wright

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen Degeneres

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Edison

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allan (i think)

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. - Steve Martin

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love - Woody Allen

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. - Barbara Bush

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. - Brendan Behan

I firmly believe that you live and learn, and if you don't learn from past mistakes, then you need to be drug out and shot. - Gunny R. Lee Ermey

Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! Gunny R. Lee Ermey (saving silverman)