TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PUT ON YOUR JOB RESUME.

1. Your high school class voted you "Most Likely to be Found on a Tower with a Rifle."

2. You have a degree as a dietitian from the Hannible Lecter School of Medicine.

3. ANY details about your job experience in continuity assurance and quality control at a hog breeding facility.

4. Any student organizations you belonged to that have the words Satan, Armageddon, or beastiality in their titles.

5. You were fired from your last job for committing an unnatural act with the entire sales department.

6. You were fired from your last job for making obscene telephone calls to Barney from a company phone.

7. You were fired from your last job for attempting a hostile takeover involving the 81st. Airborne.

8. You filed a discrimination suit against your last employer because of their policy against employees wearing crotchless business suits, and won.

9. You quit your last job after your boss rejected your suggestion for staging public floggings of late employees.

10. Your hobbies include taking massive quantities of hallucinogens and then working on your chainsaw collection.