Politician Jokes
deathwish01b
Published
03/14/2011
Why are politicians' spouses and/or lovers always on top?
Because politicians can only fuck up.
----
An older gentleman, wearing a suit and tie, carrying a leather briefcase, approached the security checkpoint for the Congressional chambers. The guard asked "Are you a Congressman, sir?"
"Hell, no!" the man replied. "My parents were married when I was born!"
----
What's the difference between a good politician and a bad politician?
A headstone.
----
What do you call a group of skydiving politicians?
Skeet.
----
Why don't you ever hear about burglars robbing politicians?
Professional courtesy.
----
What's the difference between a politician and a shopping cart?
A politician holds more liquor.
----
What does a politician use for birth control?
His personality.
----
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
----
Why aren't there any rich ventrilloquists?
Because all their puppets run for office.
----
Political TV commercials prove one thing: A politician can name all his good points in 30 seconds.
----
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
----
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
----
A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.
Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
----
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
----
How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
----
I have realized why politicians do nothing to improve the quality of public school education. They are terrified of educated voters.
----
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.
They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
----
It was a celebratory mood for the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head of the project, Dr. Wilson, asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Wilson, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of difficult research and spending billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He then addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Because politicians can only fuck up.
----
An older gentleman, wearing a suit and tie, carrying a leather briefcase, approached the security checkpoint for the Congressional chambers. The guard asked "Are you a Congressman, sir?"
"Hell, no!" the man replied. "My parents were married when I was born!"
----
What's the difference between a good politician and a bad politician?
A headstone.
----
What do you call a group of skydiving politicians?
Skeet.
----
Why don't you ever hear about burglars robbing politicians?
Professional courtesy.
----
What's the difference between a politician and a shopping cart?
A politician holds more liquor.
----
What does a politician use for birth control?
His personality.
----
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
----
Why aren't there any rich ventrilloquists?
Because all their puppets run for office.
----
Political TV commercials prove one thing: A politician can name all his good points in 30 seconds.
----
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
----
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
----
A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.
Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
----
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
----
How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
----
I have realized why politicians do nothing to improve the quality of public school education. They are terrified of educated voters.
----
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.
They decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
----
It was a celebratory mood for the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head of the project, Dr. Wilson, asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Wilson, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of difficult research and spending billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He then addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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